The leading cause of divorce is being married.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 27, 2013
When everything goes wrong in my life, I think to myself, “At least I’m not in a boy band,” and then I don’t feel so bad.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 27, 2013
My 1-year-old ate a slice of American cheese and an eraser shaped like a dinosaur, so yes I’d say she had a balanced breakfast.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 27, 2013
Nobody thinks I’m funny in real life, except when I drink. Then the person who thinks I’m funny is me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 27, 2013
My wife says feeding the kids stale vanilla wafers and half of a Hershey bar doesn’t count as cooking dinner. Her standards are impossible.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 27, 2013