I couldn’t figure out why my elbow hurts when I play tennis, so I did some research. According to WebMD, I’m pregnant.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2013
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2013
Apparently when my boss gave me the “T and A” project, he meant “time & attendance, not “tits & ass.” My presentation got awkward fast.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2013
The hardest thing to teach my daughter is to always tell the truth unless I need her to be a year younger to save $2 on an admission ticket.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2013
I want to open a bar called Moderation. That way when guys tell their wives they’re drinking in Moderation, they won’t be lying.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2013
