I don’t get it. When I buy toilet paper by the crate, I’m a “smart shopper,” but when I buy vodka by the gallon, I “have a problem.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2013
My 3-year-old: “I smell. Somebody pooped in my pajamas.”
Me: “Was it you?”
Her: “No. I think it was my sister.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2013
My 1-year-old screamed at me because I didn’t let her take a bowl of Cheerios into the bathtub. I’m a monster.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2013
I don’t mind long distance relationships. People seem to like me a lot better when I’m as far away as possible.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2013
Now that I’m not a kid, I don’t eat sugary cereals for breakfast. I eat them for dinner.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2013