Bacon costs $3.99 per pound, so apparently you can put a price on happiness.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013
No thanks, magazine with marriage advice from celebrities. I’d like my marriage to last longer than 38 seconds.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013
I called my car in college “The Pussy Slayer” because I used it to run over several cats.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013
If I could show teens a video of me cleaning up dog pee while both of my kids cry at me, abstinence-only sex education just might work.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013
My 1-year-old threw her grapes on the ground and stomped on them. I’d clean them up, but I’m halfway to wine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2013
I think you should put your three-year-old’s feet to work and start your own winery. It could be called Toddler Whine Wines!
That’s a catchy name. It’s too bad child labor laws coddle kids when they should be put to work making alcoholic beverages instead.