My wife said I had to look nice for her company’s picnic, so I spent $40 on Hello Kitty temporary face tattoos. Guess who gets to stay home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2013
My wife: “I love you.”
Me: “I love you, too.”
Her: “Did you just fart?”
This romantic true story is brought to you by marriage.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2013
Whenever a friend goes through a tough breakup, I remind him there are plenty of fish in the sea but they’re full of mercury & will kill him
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2013
The teens next door shot bottle rockets from a 2nd story window at their friends below. I watched because natural selection is fascinating.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2013
My wife says I only let out my feelings when I'm really, really drunk. I guess “feelings” is just another word for “vomit.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 30, 2013