My friend: “I feel empty.”
Me: “Then eat.”
Him: “I mean emotionally.”
Me: “Then eat.”
Food: It solves everything.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2013
Me: “I don’t want to carry your sweater. I’ll look stupid”
My wife: “You’ll look stupid, but it won’t be the sweater’s fault”
Love hurts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2013
*blares the horn at a car that cut me off*
Me: “Learn to drive, you crazy bitch!”
My 3-year-old: “Are you on the phone with mommy?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2013
My wife uses her Nook Color mainly to watch Netflix. It says a lot about my family that our favorite book is basically a TV.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2013
In parenting, my wife is the quarterback & I’m the backup. I only get called in if something terrible happens & we’re going to lose anyway.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2013
My wife: “Don’t do anything stupid when my mom visits.”
Me: “Should I just pretend to be dead?”
Her: “Yeah, except for the ‘pretend’ part”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2013
My wife: “Do you think she’s sexy?”
Me: “Nah, I’m not into hot girls. I’m into you.”
Oops.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2013