WHEN AMPS GO BAD
As a paralyzed one-handed person, I appreciate stories on the disabled remaining active in sports. So when I saw one-legged soccer players in a Westerlo, Belgium charity match between Belgium and The Netherlands devolve into a free-for-all rhubarb, I was intrigued. You may have seen the video.
“Wait a moment,” you’re probably saying if you missed the vid, one-legged soccer players, and it turns into an ass-kicking contest? That’s a little TOOO convenient, Mr. Silliman, being you write a silly sports column. And I say “Yes, it is!” Thank you very much and expect to see as many amputee puns as humanely possible. Our nublicity team will be working overtime. We may be going out on a limb but you will not stump us this time.
When reading this column it’s advisable to let the music from the Kevin Bacon musical movie play in the background. You’ll enjoy it so much better. Don‘t remember it? Okay, you asked:
“Footless! Footless! My Dutch Footballer is footless!
Kick off the Sunday shoe
Please, Louise, pull me up off my knees
Jack, get back, come on before we crack
Cause I’m footless… footless
I’m a Dutch Footballer who’s footless.”
Okay, settle down, it’s not like we required you to indulge “Let’s Hear it for The Boy.” And I must say I truly admire the amputees who are passionate about playing soccer. If you watched the video, you’ll see they’re good players and can really run the field with their forearm crutches. So maybe the “Hear it for The Boy” song is appropriate.
“Let’s hear it for the boy
Let’s give the boy a hand
And an artificial leg
Cause you gotta understand
Maybe he’s no Romeo
But he’s my loving one-legged beau…”
How did the fight break out, you ask? A Belgium soccer amp trips a Dutch player. The Dutch player tries to turn the Belgium guy’s face into a waffle when another Belgium guy offers to help the tripped guy up. Lesson: Never offer charity during a charity match. A fight starts between the amps but it gets worse when two-legged fans rush in from the audience trying to help. Lesson # 2: The amps don’t need your able-bodied fighting assistance. They do quite well with their crutches and usable limbs. And they don’t need me doing a pitiful rendition of “Kung Fu Fighting” to play behind the video.
“Everybody was amp-crutch fighting
Knocking out teeth… with whitening
Flailing those nubs be frightening”