The case of recently-freed American prisoner Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl has blown into the stratosphere. In response, Republicans have announced the formation of a special investigative committee called the Ouchies, Frowns, and Tears Congressional Committee. The group will hear testimony from people with no military experience and even less information about what really happened but are hoping to advance their own careers.

Reached for comment on the new committee, John Boehner said “For the last goddamn time, I never was an oompa-loompa…oh, wait, you’re asking about that new committee?”

In related news, US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel told the BBC that the decision to strike a deal for Sergeant Bergdahl’s release was a unanimous one involving the Secretaries Of Defense and State, the Director Of National Intelligence, and the Attorney General. “You see,” Hagel told his interviewer, “we didn’t have to Hagel over this one. Get it, Hagel?”

Reached for comment, President Obama said “I’m thinking of holding a press conference and nominating Sergeant Bergdahl for a Medal of Honor. Have you ever seen a faux-patriot’s head explode on Fox News? It’s really quite a sight.”

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4 thoughts on “Bergdahlzi!”

  1. Eh, I’m a bit lost here and that’s nobody’s fault but my own but that dude looks like his face is dead.

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