If only solving marital conflicts were as simple as a flush away. But a body can dream. And my flight of fantasy knew unbounded heights when just the other day I espied a new app–at least new for me–advertised on one of those millions of digital dreck I find daily on my email. The app professes to map out public toilets all over the world. This is perfect for that person who (a) likes to “go” on the spur of the moment; (b) always has to “go;” or (c) wants to visit every latrine in the global hemisphere (it’s on his bucket list or something).
Now you notice I referred to this person as a “him,” which would indicate–all things being equal–that I consider men to be the primary consumers of this new and revolutionary app. I confess, I do. My husband has been making a spectacle of himself since our honeymoon a gazillion years ago. This was the first time I encountered an unanticipated glitch in our heretofore perfect relationship. About five minutes before our flight was scheduled to leave LA for Honolulu, my new spouse disappeared. I was frantic. I had all this luggage to carry on and no one to do it! Seriously, though, I thought something of gigantic proportions had happened. Maybe he decided to get a quickie divorce. Maybe he forgot to get some breathsavers. Maybe he had to give his mother one last call. Maybe, yes, he was in the bathroom.
Since then, of course, he’s visited many a bathroom. I no longer worry where he’s vanished. His default behavior is the bathroom. I think it’s like a security blanket for men. They go inside the Chamber of Urinary Dysfunction and eye each other suspiciously, produce what they always seem to think is a significant stream, shake, flush and wash hands. It’s a benign interaction among strangers in the night, noontime or any hour for that matter.
This app is perfect. It’s the GPS of flushing. And women, if you should also purchase this app, you’ll always know where your mate is. No fuss, no bother, no worry that he’s succumbed to heart failure while going for popcorn at the cinema. You’ll always know where he’s at. Hanging around a toilet bowl. Now that’s an image we women need to keep handy all the time.