I Pied the IRS

Do you ever want to fling a pie into the face of an IRS agent?

Never thought of it? Your speed is more like burn him at the stake using 1040 forms as kindling?

Sorry. This article only indulges those with Soupy Sales Revenge and I did it. On April 11th at the Embassy Suites’ “Revenge of the Taxpayer’s Party,” I tossed a freshly-baked-Betty-Crocker-creamfilled-dripping-pie smack in Smilin’ Steve Giroux’s face, fulfilling a lifelong dream (maybe not lifelong, a dream ever since I was a tiny taxpayer) of pieing the taxman.

Actually, my dream was more Fellini-like, riding a white horse, Lady Godiva aboard, handing me pies as I hurled them at auditors shackled in Colonial stocks, each one saying “I want a bigger piece of your pie.” Having Godiva accompany me was a special touch (she had whispered to me about the taxman taking her clothes and wanted to join my dream) because the auditor’s eyes got especially big (the Godiva Effect) as we rode up and delivered cream filling stuck to his eyeballs. The Embassy Suites party was almost as fun.

The “Revenge” party was to benefit a good cause, United Way. One dollar donations bought raffle tickets on a drawing held every fifteen minutes.  The IRS volunteers were department chiefs having a good time, all smiles, happily writing down social security numbers of the pie tossers.

First IRS exec I witnessed was Dee Kamp of Taxpayer Services. She sat bibbed in the recipient’s chair receiving a banana cream mousse on her new hairdo. Kept smiling. Next volunteer was a young man from Computer Services, Ed Reiser. Ed received cream pie on his new hairdo and in every one of his dimples. Kept smiling. Their hairdresser would have been shocked.

Next was my target, Mr. Giroux, without a new hairdo. Fortunate for him because my first toss landed on top of his head. Had there been some hair, it might have stuck. Lucky for me and my dream, they allowed me a second toss. Steve Giroux kept smiling.

Following Giroux was a prime target, Chief of Examination Division, Norm Botsford. Norm was prepared, wearing an “I’ll Remember This” tee shirt and a new hairdo.  Mr. John Doe obliged Mr. Botsford. For a split second Mr. Botsford stopped smiling. This reassured me, showed some humanity.  Before, it appeared these folks were just too jovial. Like it were nothing but parties, good times and happy faces on our tax men. However, this was a good cause and, of course, we all know these folks have a good sense of humor… we hope. Next up was Merv Hoyle – nice suit, nice smile, new hairdo.  Next time I’ll bring Godiva.

Just in case you’re questioning, all the above is true. All the names are factual. Some may still be with the service. This happened in 1991.