Boss: What are you doing? Me: Sitting on a potato. Him: Me: Him: Me: Him: It won’t hatch into vodka. Me: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014
Wife: Put away your dolls. Me: They’re vintage action figures! Wife: Whatever. *leaves* Me: *makes Luke and Chewbacca kiss*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014
Me: Are you ashamed of me? Wife: Of course not. Me: *goes for a hug* Wife: Not here. People might see us together.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014
Protip: Shouting, “Bitch, make me a sandwich,” apparently isn’t an acceptable way to place an order at Subway.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2014
Me: Oh, yeah? Name one thing I’ve ever done wrong. Wife: *begins a 2,000-slide PowerPoint presentation*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2014