Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Charmin ‘Forever Roll,’ doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Charmin is selling a ‘Forever Roll’ of toilet paper that can last up to a month
Dad joke alert: Word is, financially it will wipe you out.
Health Canada warns against eating raw or undercooked fiddleheads
Rule of thumb: If you have to Google what it is, don’t f***ing eat it.
Kennedy Center warns of “fiscal collapse” — unless Trump’s name returns
… Six Atlantic City casinos would like a word.
Massive sinkhole opens at Nicolas Cage’s Malibu home
… Dude really has to stop screening ‘The Wicker Man.’
Anaheim wants tourists to know there’s more to it than just Disneyland
There’s also Disney’s California Adventure.
Man killed by enraged camel
Now, that’s what I call a sh**ty ‘Hump Day
Hill investigates Hegseth after F-35 parts diverted to Hong Kong
… Makes sense, a stealth-parts sent by a blind drunk.
Messy drama between mother and daughter over Jimmy Buffett’s $275 million trust
… No word yet on who the Margaritavillian is.
Lauren Boebert accused of sex with three staffers in complaint alleging $200K hush payment
It’s unknown whether she also had to pay for any staff infections.
Happy birthdays to Bernie Sanders and Wiz Khalifa
For those confused, one’s name is Wiz; the other gets up at 3 a.m. needing to wiz.
Paris court awards Kim Kardashian 1 euro after her 2016 robbery
But, really 2.1 euros, y’know, because of the tariffs.
Fencing has gone up around the main Kennedy Center building
Just wait till Mexico gets the bill …
Airlines expected to cancel flights due to soaring jet fuel costs
… While luggage can still proceed to wrong locations.
MS NOW, CNN, and Politico denied access to White House
… So, MS NOW and CNN and Politico, oh my!