Officials are still assessing the damage at Arlington National Cemetery following a minor earthquake (5.1 on the Richter Scale) that occurred on Wednesday as Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was delivering his “State of the Force” address at Marine Corps Base Quantico, 34 miles from Arlington.
Thousands of dead soldiers apparently rolled over violently in their graves in response to Hegseth’s remarks. According to Cemetery Superintendent John N. Knapp, the incident took place right after Hegseth announced that, beginning in 2027, every male U. S. soldier will carry a 14-inch prosthetic penis (“Rambo”) in his backpack, to be deployed in the event of the soldier being shot in the crotch during combat.
“In order to fight hard, our men need to BE hard,” said Hegseth. “And as long as the U. S. military is in my hands, I promise each and every one of you that I’ll do my best to keep you that way!”
The Cemetery will reopen to the public on Monday.