I’m Flunking Social Media

It’s painful to admit that I, who heretofore flunked only one other course in my long educational career, is now flunking Social Media. How do I know this? Well, I don’t have nearly enough followers,for one thing, Dum-Dum.(Beyonce, I’m sure has a million or so.) And I’ve started getting abusive messages from linkedin and facebook asking me if I need help boosting my brand. As if I knew what a brand was! These social media folk sure take a lot for granted. And the Pinterest contingent have practically written me off for lack of provocative images.

So all in all, Social Media and I are not relating well, and I don’t expect the situation to improve much over the next six months. There, I’ve said it. Why should I bother to hone my digital skills on these promo websites when I don’t even know if they really work. I mean, where are the evidence-based studies proving that Social Media will make me into a superstar? I’ve googled for factual verification, even on Scholar and can’t find one decent double blind, FDA-authorized study. I want guarantees, that’s right. Let me be upfront about the whole self-promotion thing.

To me, it’s just a bunch of people hung up on “selfies.” You know, those cutesy photos people enamored of themselves take and post on every social media website on the Internet? Here they are hugging Taylor Swift, goofing with Randy Travis, mugging with the plumber who just installed their new toilet…. The list goes on and on. Sometimes I think if I see one more selfie I’m going to photoshop them into oblivion.

I figure if I take a selfie every two years or so I’m doing well. After all, all my contacts deserve to know I’m still alive and kicking even if I’m aging not too gracefully.

The real problem is that I don’t have enough really interesting things to say on social media. But then neither do most of my contacts. I’m sick of hearing how their dog almost ate their cat or how this new film is just a lousy remake of some leftover from the fifties. If I want a bad review, I’ll go to Yelp.

I’ve even considered making up a few things just to see what kind of feedback I get. What if I dropped a few lines about my new face lift or how I’m up for a Pulitzer? Do you think these few brags would boost my brand, whatever that is? I don’t know, but it’s worth experimenting.

I’ve kept you in suspense too long. I know you’re dying to know about my other F-earned grade. Well, if you have to know, it was in seventh grade sewing, and I was what you might call Singer challenged. It took me about two weeks to figure out how to thread the bobbin, so I had little remaining energy to expend on interfacings and zippers. I gave up after buttonholes. Now you know my secret, but try to keep it to yourself and your intimate contacts on Social Media. See you on Twitter.