Society dismembered | HumorOutcasts

Society dismembered

April 27, 2014

The other day I was spying on my niece and her friend while playing with Barbie dolls. I wanted to make sure they were playing nice, and they were. Creepily so. They were polite, giggling, and having what I would describe as a lovely time.

This really brought back some lovely memories of my own. Or should I say, anti-lovely.

My sister and I used to play with Barbie dolls. I used the term “play” loosely, because it was more like MMA Barbie Unleashed. By the time the smoke had cleared, there were blonde chunks of hair and singular little plastic arms and legs scattered across the battlefield of our room. Somebody would be crying while the other was saying something like, “Well, you shouldn’t be a stupid, fat pig!”

About this time my mother would have had enough, and she’d head down the long hallway to our room. “What is going on in here? You two act like a couple of heathens!” Then she’d threaten to take us down to the mental hospital where she worked as a nurse so we could learn to appreciate what we had. When she’d leave the room, we’d make faces at each other of how we imagined those retarded people to look. We were, indeed, heathens.

Watching those girls playing reminded me of something else, though. We also had a Ken doll, and as a kid I was fascinated by the fact that there was just a little mound where his wiener should have been. When I first got to pondering this, I thought, well, that makes sense, because no little girl needs to see that. But upon further contemplation, I realized there was an entirely different reason for this.

Boys and girls are like oil and water from day one. If little girls are happy to rip Barbie apart limb by limb, you know good and well if Ken hadn’t already been dismembered, they’d be happy to take care of that shit too. There’d be little broken dicks littering households all across the country. This wouldn’t be good for future relationships because it would give girls ideas that they wouldn’t otherwise have unless they’d seen a Lorena Bobbitt special. Fathers and brothers would cringe and become fearful, and the next thing you know, there would be a paradigm shift in the gender dynamic and women would be ruling the world. The men who run the Barbie company know this.

What they also know is that Barbie would become obsolete. Little girls would only want Ken dolls to rip the parts off of and make little penis necklaces. After that, they’d use the eunuchs to chauffeur Barbie and her girlfriend around. Little girls wouldn’t dream of the picket fence or children anymore. If they did happen to have children, and they were boys, we’d end up like China, except opposite, throwing the boyfolk in the river. It would be complete chaos.

I can only imagine the effect this would have had on me and my sister back then. It would have exponentially increased the likelihood of us becoming major figureheads in the heathen movement. My mother would’ve ended up on 60 Minutes apologizing for us and offering excuses: “They aren’t really mine. I found them.”

It would be forever before women forgave all the years of oppression and learned to live with men again as equals, but it would never go back to normal. Men would be underpaid and under appreciated; they would cry, it would be a mess. So look. If you’re wondering why it’s still a man’s world, I think it’s quite obvious. It can all be directly linked back to anatomically incomplete Ken dolls. I know, I know…I’m in the wrong career.

Journey McGuire

When I'm not MMA street fighting, I'm saving kittens from sinking battleships. Writing is the only thing that matters. Besides sleeping, eating, kittens. But not eating sleeping kittens. That would be upsetting.

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16 Responses to Society dismembered

  1. April 28, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    Interesting fact: The Ken Doll was modeled on one Verner Nauschlong, a member of the Vienna Boy’s Choir from 1887-1904. I think.

    • April 29, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      LMAO! I can always count on you provide the facts, and I deeply appreciate the info.

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    April 28, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    When my imaginary son doesn’t play nice, I take his Barbie away. On a side note, if anyone is in the market for 1256 Barbies, just say the word!

    • April 29, 2014 at 3:58 pm

      I only want the ones with little penises attached so I can break them off.

  3. April 28, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Don’t forget me when you’re famous.

    • April 29, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      OH Cary, you silly savage. I could never.

  4. April 28, 2014 at 12:17 am

    My sister’s Barbie collection used to mix it up with my collection of Johnny West action figures, who were all heavily armed. It never ended well.

    • April 29, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      LOL. A bunch of dead blondes huh.

  5. April 27, 2014 at 9:28 pm

    Wait, they gave Lorena Bobbitt her own special???

    • April 29, 2014 at 4:02 pm

      Haven’t you heard of it? It’s called Cuttin’ Up, with Lorena Bobbit.

  6. April 27, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    My daughter truly liberated Barbie and Ken. They were always naked.

    • April 29, 2014 at 4:51 pm

      Ours were always headless. Your sister was a lover, not a fighter.

  7. Kathy Minicozzi
    April 27, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    Maybe Ken was just extraordinarily underendowed?

    I never had a Barbie or a Ken doll. I had dolls, but I was four years older than my sister. She had her own set of dolls. So we never got to play Dismember the Barbie. You have made me realize just how deprived we were.

    I was a tomboy, anyway. I was as likely to be outside batting baseballs around as inside playing with my dolls. I wanted the best of both worlds.

    • April 29, 2014 at 4:53 pm

      I didn’t think about it but maybe Ken did just have a gherkin. Poor kid.

  8. April 27, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Oh my God, I’m terrified now. Just one little wiener-less mound away from a world of women wearing little penis necklaces like some sort of twisted voodoo amulet?

    I’m instinctively covering up and crying.

    • April 29, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      See, that’s powerful stuff. You’re already weeping!

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