The Average Gay Man’s Guide to Selfies

If social media is any indication, selfies appear to be the fundamental gauge of a gay man’s insecurities. The higher number of selfies posted on a gay man’s page, the more attention he requires to fuel his self-worth. And on occasion, you may even encounter the pinnacle of desperation, that being the public “I’m so ugly” post accompanied by a filtered snapshot of themselves wearing little more than a sultry expression.  For example:

*sigh* "I'm so ugly."
*sigh* “I’m so ugly.”

After their snapshot is posted, an attractive gay can revel in the recognition generated by likes, comments, and/or shares until the attention dies down, and the cycle continues again.

But why should our attractive counterparts receive all of the attention? Why can’t us average gay folks express our insecurities through selfies, too? Are we afraid that we will not get as many likes or comments? Well, fear no more. You can post a sexy selfie, too, by simply following the guidelines below:

1. Keep Your Clothes On

Unless you have turned down at least three unwanted sexual advances this week, you are required to keep all clothing on your person when taking a selfie. Posting shirtless selfies when your upper body is shaped like an eggplant not only defeats the purpose of the selfie (i.e. gaining attention to placate your insecurities) but makes the rest of us look bad (and we’ve worked very hard over the years for the “all gays are attractive” stereotype to have it ruined by your over-confidence and grandiose delusions).

2. Find Your Angle

Almost everybody has an attractive angle (even if it’s the back of your head). Finding your angle is simply a matter of experimentation. Holding your smart phone at face level, take repeated snapshots as you move the camera and change the tilt of your head. Once you have taken at least 3 dozen snapshots, review the pictures to find one that flatters your unfortunately ordinary noggin.

NOTE: Do this in private. I don’t want this creating an “all gays are weird” stereotype. It’s bad enough some people think we’re evil; I do not want others thinking we’re weird.

3. Expressions Are Important

This one is the most important features of a successful, sexy selfie. When taking a selfie, the preferred expression is sexy. Even if you THINK you know what sexy looks like, may I recommend reviewing pictures of Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, Josh Duhamel, or Joe Manganiello until your stranger-danger area tingles. When you feel that tingle, you have found a great example of a sexy expression. Now, practice in a mirror until your face matches said expression.

NOTE: And no fucking duck faces!

4. Location, Location, Location

For your sexy selfie, you will want to find the right location such as in bed, in front of a fireplace, or in the bathtub.  It is unfortunate that many perfectly good gay selfies have been ruined by either a crying baby, floating turd, or humping dog captured in the background by accident.

If you follow the steps above carefully, you can turn your selfies from this:


To this:

I'm so ugly.
I’m so ugly.



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11 thoughts on “The Average Gay Man’s Guide to Selfies”

  1. Good advice for selfies, if you HAVE to do it! I think if you want a good photograph of yourself, you not only need a camera (preferably NOT a cellphone), but you need a photographer! But, AS a photographer, I rarely allow myself to be photographed anyway.

  2. A post that both gay and straight can appreciate. If there is advice to be given on selfies, you certainly seem to have the expertise. I might have nightmares about that first photo for a long time.

  3. Okay, okay, hang on…you’re going so fast. So that’s a no to humping dogs, crying babies and floating turds? Okay, got that down. Now, let me just find a shirt to put on…

  4. Yup, you nailed. I know in the top photo I’m supposed to focus on Rudolph (or whatever that red thing is) but I can’t look away from those awesome 70s socks with the big stripes. Should they be part of all selfies?

    1. It depends. If an average-looking gay is taking a full body shot (which is not recommended, as you will want to focus on a smileless or smirking face) then you will want to cover the socks. If you have been sexually assaulted at least three times this week, then you are allowed to show skin in your selfie (other than your face skin).

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