Football Problem Solved


Anyone who follows football knows that the NFL has a problem with players getting head injuries. So the question is what to do about it. Theoretically, the NFL could become a no-hit league like those flag-football ones where you “tackle” someone by snagging a flag from their waist. But you know how well that’d go down. Just picture some guy sitting in the stands at a half-empty stadium. He’s one of those diehard fans who wears facepaint and a team jersey and attends every game. But now he’s got a middle finger raised and he’s shouting “Borrrrrrring!”

Taking out the big hits would be like the Romans in the Coliseum unleashing a lion on a fake human made out of tofu. People out for blood don’t want to watch a beast tear apart tofu. They want to see this:


But I can tell you that a concussion is no fun. One year when I was out skiing I bit it, falling forward. This was in the old days, when skis had a strap that attached to your ankle to prevent a runaway ski from tagging an innocent bystander downhill. My ski pivoted at my ankle, swung through the air, and smacked me on the side of the head. It took me an hour of staggering downhill like a drunk to get to the First Aid station.

So here’s my idea for preventing head injuries. We cover the players’ helmets with super-powerful magnets. And we make sure that all the magnets carry the same charge. Then, whenever two heads are about to collide, magnetic forces push them away from each other.

Sure, the initial learning curve would be steep. We’d probably see whiplash neck-injuries when guys’ heads whip backward, away from each another. But that sure beats a concussion. I got lucky because my concussion healed OK. But then again, I’m writing ridiculous blog posts like this one, so maybe it didn’t.

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7 thoughts on “Football Problem Solved”

  1. Any solution that has magnets in it, gets a thumbs up from me. Now if you could just explain to me how they work, that would be awesome.

    1. I am aware that Bill is the resident expert on magnets. As such I did not seek his advice, lest my ingenious idea get shot down. But having bypassed said Bill, I eagerly await his thoughts.

  2. Totally brilliant. If this was implemented, I would probably start watching football just to see what happens.
    But this brings me to a question: are goal posts made of metal?

    1. Funny you mention that. As I wrote this I pictured some guy doing one of those “look at me” goose stepping moves and getting sucked into the post. Could bring this idea down.

  3. I love the image of these guys running full tilt at each other and then being suddenly repelled by the magnetic force with no contact whatsoever, like there were imaginary pinball bumpers in their way.

    I like the way your concussed brain works!

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