The other day I read that the Buddha sat under the Bodhi Tree and watched his past lives flash before him. I think that would be a totally cool thing to experience. So I’m now looking for a Bodhi Tree to plant in my yard (Fred’s doesn’t have them, and neither does Amazon, but I’m undeterred). Once my operation is up and running, I’ll sit under the tree and attain a deep meditative state. And then I’ll see something like this:
Belfast, Ireland, 1910:
I’m standing in a bar, trying to impress a woman I’m hoping to pick up. I lean in close and say “I’m an engineer. I designed the hull on the Titanic.”
Bunker Hill, 1775:
Colonel Prescott shouts “Don’t fire till you see the whites of their eyes!!” I squeeze the trigger and fire my musket. Prescott starts screaming at me and I say “What? You said fire when we saw the white guys.”
New Jersey, 1937:
I’m a passenger on the Hindenburg. Some guy walks up to me and says “Hey, can we smoke in here?” I reply “I don’t see why not.”
Bern, Switzerland, 1904:
I’m working in the Patent Office with a guy named Albert. Late on a Friday afternoon I walk into his office. He’s got his head in his hand and is staring down at a piece of paper. I see the letters E=MC? and I say, “Dude, stop doing that mathematical garbage and join me for a cold one. Stop being such a square.”
Detroit, 1970:
I’m standing in a boardroom wearing an ironed, short sleeve shirt with a pocket-protector full of pens. I’m an engineer. I smile at the gathered executives and say “Our new car is super-stylish and totally safe. We’re calling it the Pinto.”
And this will explain why I avoid anything and everything involving math this time around.
You’re a funny kid Thomas Sullivan. I’ve often thought about this too. Here’s what I know. I was always a man in those past lives and I got attacked by giant spiders every time. This explains my penis envy and arachnophobia.
Dublin, Ireland 20 mins ago: I come home to Jill Y without shoes.