Toys, Toys, Toys

MRAP

The protests in Ferguson, Missouri have shown just how militarized our local police forces have become. Thanks to Homeland Security grants as well as surplus military equipment from the Iraq War, local police departments now own things like a $360,000 BearCat armored truck. Which really helps when you’re trying to coax a cat down from a tree — you just knock the tree down.

It’s like a bountiful Christmas where some kid accustomed to playing with a GI Joe doll that’s missing an arm suddenly gets a bad-ass SuperSquirter.

So here’s the new reality: You’re standing at a protest and your buddy nudges you in the ribs:

“Hey man,” he says, “see the guy driving that 30-ton mine resistant ambush vehicle with all the attached machine guns? That’s Billy.”

“Billy from high-school? He graduated?”

“Yup. We play darts on Wednesday nights. He says they never trained him on how to use that thing. But he says it’s a blast to drive.”

But there’s better ways to recycle our military crap than just give it to some guy so he can play soldier for a day on his own people. Recently I read about a woman who started a business converting surplus military tents and other fabrics into soft luggage. Her products are beautiful and, get this, actually needed.

We should do the same with the scary-ass stuff. Give it to entrepreneurs and let them work their magic. Because here’s what we really need in America:

Assault Weapon Charcoal Grill Lighters

You have the perfect cookout ready to go. The beers are chilling, the steaks are marinated, and you go to light the fire. But what happens? Yup, that click-click lighter thing flickers and then dies. And you’ve got no matches. But this wouldn’t happen with an uber-manly lighter that shoots flame from the tip of an AK 47.

Humvee Mobile Hot Tubs

You’re chilling in your hot tub like a do-nothing congressman who’s just received a big “campaign donation.” Life couldn’t be better. But you open the cooler and see that you’re out of beer. What now? Time to get out, dry off, get dressed, and walk to 7-11. Total pain in the ass. But if your hot tub was a converted Humvee, you could just have someone drive you to 7-11 while you continue to soak and pretend that you’re important.

Body Armor Slip-And-Slides

When I was kid we had a homemade-slip and slide. We ran a hose down a long sheet of plastic. Naturally, I cut my foot on a jagged edge and got rushed to the ER for stitches. But this wouldn’t happen with a slide made from bulletproof, shatterproof Kevlar. So call your congressman with this idea and then say “What, isn’t child safety important to you?”

We need these things.

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8 thoughts on “Toys, Toys, Toys”

  1. Give me a shout if the Assault Weapon Charcoal Grill Lighter sees the light of day and I’ll shoot darts out of it!

  2. Oooooh! What about AK-47 automatic pogo sticks for the cats. By mounting a rifle with the barrel pointing to the ground, they can activate the gun’s pogo feature by simply stepping on the rifle’s trigger. The buck from the full-automatic rifle will provide hours of pogo fun.

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