Undercover Cell Phones: The New Police Weapon?

By: Jeremy Jenum

A drug dealer in Tennessee is behind bars because of a confession he voluntarily made to the police—well, sort of voluntarily.  This is his tale of woe. The alleged criminal was driving merrily in his car planning his next big score. Unfortunately, he had his phone in his back pocket, and as his conversation grew more animated, his butt cheeks responded and somehow managed to dial 911 which allowed the dispatcher on the other end of said cheek to hear exactly what the guy was up to.  The dispatcher called in the troops and the guy was arrested, and with the self-incriminating recording, he couldn’t argue with the evidence.

I know what you are all thinking: What are the odds? Well, apparently pretty good. This type of confession has happened on numerous occasions with various 911 centers across this great land of ours. It’s not that rare an occurrence which leads me to ponder:

I can’t even accurately text with my fingers half the time.  How defined must one’s butt cheeks be to dial a specific number?  And considering his occupation, it is doubtful he had 911 on his speed dial, so was there a cosmic force at work here?

Why isn’t there some lawyer somewhere fighting to make butt cheek confessions illegal? Instead of going after every “BAD” drug ever approved by the FDA, I think lawyers should go after the ethical ramifications of butt cheek confessions.  I would think the convo between one’s derriere and one’s phone is just as privileged as the convo between husband and wife. Face facts: You can say goodbye to a spouse but you can’t leave your butt behind.

So, what lessons have we learned again about our cell phone technology?

1. Don’t be fooled.  Siri is an undercover Narcotics agent

2. You might think you have a bond with your cell phone, but for a new charger and upgraded data plan, it will ring out against you in court.

And lastly and on a positive note:

Don’t worry if someone blows smoke up your ass; your phone can call the fire department.

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20 thoughts on “Undercover Cell Phones: The New Police Weapon?”

  1. A week never goes by in which we don’t listen to someone’s conversation and/or activities while trying to figure out who and where he is … and I work in a *small* dispatch center.

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