4-year-old daughter: Can we have a cake? Me: Do you have something worth celebrating? 4: I’m pretty. Me: 4: Me: *buys a cake*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2014
Twitter could power the world if you wrapped copper wire around the English teachers turning over in their graves.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014
Don’t bother talking music with me. I’m a dad. It’s been months since I’ve heard anything that wasn’t sung by a Disney princess.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2014
4-year-old: This is my baby doll. Me: Want me to hold her? 4: No. You’re not responsible enough.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2014
Professor: There’s no noise in a vacuum. Me: My vacuum makes noise all the time. Professor: Me: Vroom vroom, motherfucker.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrqMm1 2/22/14: pic.twitter.com/sdNdYrFV4j
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 15, 2014