“We’ve already changed the locks,” said a spokesperson for the agency. “But we will be introducing a series of measures over the next few weeks that will make the White House the most secure residence in the world.”
The full list of measures is top secret, but here is an abridged version released by the Secret Service.
- The US Congress will be extended to encompass the White House, that way nothing will pass.
- The fence will be removed so future intruders will have nothing to jump. A moat will be built around the White House filled with hungry lobbyists.
- A CIA-trained cloud of killer lightening bugs will patrol the North Lawn.
- New alarms will be fitted to every entrance in the form of extra-large cow bells.
- A new doormat will be installed at the White House front door that says: “Go Away by Executive Order.”
- Each gate will have a sign that says: “Beware of the Ted Cruz.”
- The secret location of the White House front door key will be changed (currently under the plant pot with the Executive Seal to the left).
- Another, fake White House will be built next to the existing building called the Off-White House that will function as a decoy to confuse would-be intruders.
- The street signs will be changed every week.
- In future the President will only open the front door to bona fide Mormon missionaries (except Mitt Romney), guys selling furniture from trailers (only American-made items from China), service guys from the cable company, and heads of state who have called ahead. Terrorists and other deranged individuals will be turned away. No exceptions.