Wife: You dripped nacho cheese on the baby’s forehead.
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: *licks the baby’s forehead*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2014
4-year-old: *spills milk*
*cries*
Me: There’s a saying about this exact situation.
4: What is it?
Me: Don’t spill the damn milk.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 3, 2014
4-year-old: How come you never have pajama days at work?
Me: Everything good in life ends at the age of five.
4:
Me: Don’t grow up.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2014
2-year-old daughter: I got pee on my hands.
Me: You’re a girl. How is that even possible?
Wife: *glares at me*
Women are a mystery.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2014
The only downside to rocking a mullet is the cops automatically have probable cause to search your car for meth.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 3, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 4/9/14: pic.twitter.com/Q4A8NQxKgn
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 25, 2014