Me: When are you going to treat me like an adult?
Wife: When you come out of that blanket fort.
Me: No deal.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2014
4-year-old: Your driving makes my neck hurt.
Me: Not my problem.
4:
Me: Wait, do you have a lawyer?
4: No.
Me: Yeah, not my problem.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2014
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, 2014
Me: Fuck!
4-year-old: What does “fuck” mean?
Me: Now it means your mom is going to kill me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2014
It’s like all these companies that rejected my résumé didn’t even read the part that says I caught every Pokémon.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2014