Me: I’m doing a low intensity cardio workout.
Wife: You’re taking a nap.
Me: My heart is beating, so it counts.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2014
You deserve to be happy.
But so do I, and I can only be happy if you’re miserable.
Thanks for taking one for the team.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2014
Me: This job is crushing my soul
Wife: I don’t believe you
Me: You don’t think my job sucks?
Wife: I don’t think you have a soul to crush
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2014
Me: I’m brave.
Wife: The last time you watched Scooby-Doo, you vomited in terror.
Me: How was I supposed to know it was a guy in a mask?!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2014
Him: I live in a cookie cutter house
Me: Your house is made of cookies?!
H: No, it’s like all the other houses
M:
H:
M: Can I taste it?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 7, 2014