4-year-old: Can I stay up?
Me: No. I need to do adult things.
4: *goes to bed*
Me: *eats entire box of Cheez-Its*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2014
4-year-old: What’s in that bottle?
Me: Wine.
4: What’s it taste like?
Me: A coping mechanism.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 17, 2014
Letting a toddler hold something is a great idea if you never want to see it again.
Every kid under 3 is basically the Bermuda Triangle.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 18, 2014
4-year-old daughter: *listens to the car radio* What does “bringing sexy back” mean?
Me: It means boys are icky. Avoid them at all costs.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 17, 2014
Every married man lives with the knowledge that he’s only one cup without a coaster away from being murdered.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 17, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrqMm1 2/17/14: pic.twitter.com/XdRtL7ADmx
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 10, 2014