Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Billy Bush supporting Spencer Pratt for L.A. Mayor, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Billy Bush supporting Spencer Pratt for L.A. Mayor
Look for the campaign theme song sung by “Josie and the Grab ’em by The Pussycats.”
Why Google is seeking approval to release millions of mosquitoes in Florida and California
I have no idea. Google it.
Steve Martin, Martin Short and Tom Hanks reunite for a meal together in the U.K. as “Only Murders” films in London
They also were one sombrero short of a rodeo.
Former Trump AG Bondi said Todd Blanche “oversaw the entire” Epstein investigation
Sounds like Bondi threw Blanche under the school bus.
“Euphoria” season 3 finale ends with a major death as other core characters get limited screen time
Or, as Season 3 was also known “Inferia.”
“Jaws” turns 51
Can’t wait for its 70th, when it’ll be known as “Dentures.”
31-year old man has 91 year old ultimate cougar girlfriend
I’m thinking less cougar and more saber tooth tigress.
Happy National Hamburger Day
Remember, when celebrating, be safe and use a condiment.
Ambitious MMA fighter dies following fatal encounter with black bear
… No word if his girlfriend warned him.
Groom tragically dies in helicopter crash moments after wedding as bride miraculously survives
There’s only one word for a bride who survived this type of tragedy … Suspect.
Happy belated 85th birthday, Bob Dylan
I worry about Bob. If he had a stroke, how would anyone know?
Madonna surprises fans with secretive pop-up concert in Times Square
No word if she put out a pointy bra for people to put cash in.
Screwworm appears to have turned up in Texas cattle, as was predicted
People say this predicted by their relative who once ate RFK Jr’s brain.
US added 172,000 new jobs
Although, most of those were to unnecessary jobs in DC — painting the pool blue, taking Trump’s name down from Kennedy Center, etc …