I keep a file marked “Krazy Kriminals” for links to articles from actual news stories that are stranger than fiction, and, for humorists, too good to be true. This one is a doozy, and I had to share it with you:
According to the Herald-Tribune, Neil Lansing was arrested in Sarasota, Florida, and during a regular body search of the inmate, sheriff’s officials found that Mr. Lansing had been holding out on them. Well, if truth be known, he was holding in on them.
The officials discovered the tip of a condom sticking out of the inmate’s booty-hole (by the way, booty-hole is now the scientifically accepted term at all major medical schools for that area of the body). As one does when seeing the tip peeking out, the corrections officer pulled the condom all the way out of its hiding place. When the entire condom was confiscated, officials learned that not 1, not 2, but 30 items were stuffed inside the latex wonder. 30 items. Inside the condom.
Inside the rectum.
30 items, you say? What were they? Here is what was found in the condom:
1-17. 17 round blue pills. I am betting they weren’t Penicillin.
18. 1 cigarette
19-24. 6 matches
25. 1 flint
26. 1 syringe
27. 1 additional unused condom
28. 1 lip balm container
29. 1 receipt from CVS pharmacy
30. 1 paper coupon
I totally understand the pills being in the condom. We have all seen movies and television shows or read books that included scenes with drug mules. People who are hooked on the junk don’t care how the pill is transported as long as it is transported. If you have an orifice, it can be and will be used as a pill receptacle.
I can understand the desire and need for cigarettes and matches in prison, but cigarettes are pretty delicate items. I don’t smoke, but I know that the tobacco is rolled and held in place by a delicate sheet of very thin paper. I would think that it would take some effort and manipulation to get a stuffed condom into its “holding cell” and that would wreak havoc on a cigarette. Maybe Nick Lansing has much more talented than I first thought.
A flint? To be honest, I am not sure if I know exactly what a flint is or does. I was not a boy scout, but I suspect it has something to do with the outdoors and fires, but maybe not. Maybe it’s used for fights, but I’m pretty sure that is a shank. For all I know it is a very reasonable thing to cover with a condom and lodge in your BH.
A syringe. Really? Of all things on the list, this is the one that makes me question Nick’s sanity. How did he even walk with that up there? I work at a pharmacy, and I am scared of needles when I sell them by the box, covered in plastic and cardboard. If someone suggested that I put a needle INSIDE my body for safe-keeping, I would run screaming.
The next three items, lip balm, a receipt from CVS, and a coupon, are the most interesting items found inside the condom. When you are so concerned about lip care that you smuggle your lip balm into jail by sticking it in your BH, you are dedicated to the cause. I totally agree that there is nothing worse than chapped lips. They itch and hurt, and are quite bothersome. Plus, I have no idea what the ventilation system is like at the County Jail in Sarasota, Florida. For all I know, it could dry out your lips within a few days. The above picture of Nick proves that his lips are well maintained, so on this item, I say, “bravo, Nick, bravo.”
Receipts are needed in order to return many items to retail stores. They are needed to prove to the IRS you did actually donate $300 to the Orphaned Children of the World Fund. They should be kept for purposes of warranties and all-around proper record keeping. I am not that organized. I can, without a doubt, tell you there is no item I have ever purchased, or will ever purchase, whose receipt would be so important to me that I would insert it into my BH for safe-keeping. And if I ever come upon such an item, please, God, do not let it be sold at CVS Pharmacy. Please let me have enough class for it to be an exclusive from somewhere like JC Penney or Old Navy.
People who clip coupons are a different sort of animal. I will admit the thought of couponing makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Saving .50 cents on a can of biscuits just is not worth the kind of time it takes to clip, save, and redeem the coupon. However, I know there are people out there who live the “extreme” coupon lifestyle. They have houses stocked full of paper towels, beenie-weenies, and canned fruit, all of which cost a total of $1.00 thanks to coupons. Even those people, though, would not stuff a coupon up their BH in order to keep it safe while they served hard time. Throughout the day, I have tried to think of a coupon that would mean that much to me. So far, I have nothing.
This article is a few years old, and I could not find an update on Nick, so I am not sure if he is still incarcerated or not. I hope he used or is using his time in the Big House to think about what career path he should take when released. With his obvious strict record keeping habits, accounting is a possibility; there are several reality television shows focusing on couponing, and I think he would fit in nicely with that demographic; and it goes without saying that he would be a star in the anal porn industry. Like my Aunt Daisy always says,
“If you’ve got the talent, honey, flaunt it.”