Advice For Aspiring Writers | HumorOutcasts

Advice For Aspiring Writers

March 20, 2015
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Published writers will tell you that the most important thing you can do as a beginning writer is to know your markets! So this month, we’ll talk about two of the markets open to you and your riveting but as yet unpublished prose — Fling Magazine and Clubhouse Magazine. Fling describes itself as “a sex-type publication for young males 18 – 34 who like photos of very busty young models.” What kind of writing does Fling need? “Material dealing with sex in combination with busty females.” And what advice do Fling’s editors have for the beginning writer who wishes to write for their publication, which reaches 100,000 boob fanciers monthly? “Fling needs a lot of emphasis on descriptions of female characters, particularly ‘big bosom’ descriptions.”
Got that? Hit that keyboard — let’s see what you’ve got to say about girls with large glands and the guys who adore them!
Similarly, there’s Clubhouse — a “Christian magazine designed to help young people feel good about themselves.” The editors state that their primary goal “is to let young readers know there is a God and that He loves kids.” Clubhouse reaches 15,000 Christian Youngsters (aged 9 – 14) monthly. What advice do the editors offer the aspiring writer about their magazine’s likes and dislikes? “No Christmas stories that refer to Santa, elves, reindeer, etc.” they say. Sounds straightforward enough.
Since these magazines have a lot in common (for example, neither is interested in elves) why not target one story to both of them? This way, if one mag doesn’t leap at the chance to publish your prose, the other undoubtedly will. Your goal — let your readers know there is a God and that He loves kids and women with large bazoomas. (And men who love women with large bazoomas.)

You could make it a Christmas story, perhaps about a kid (9-14 years old) and his (18 – 34 year old) dad who wake up on Christmas morning to find a busty broad in their Christmas stocking. “Gee thanks, God!” they exclaim. Just remember not to mention Santa, reindeer, etc.
Next month: The Atlantic Salmon Journal and The Atlantic Monthly.

Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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4 Responses to Advice For Aspiring Writers

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    March 22, 2015 at 7:05 am

    If I had the choice and I could write, I think I would choose to submit to Clubhouse rather than Fling and that makes me feel good and terrified in equal measures.

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    March 21, 2015 at 8:54 pm

    Happy Fisherman Magazine is looking for a story about a man who loves to go fishing and has a wife who hates fish. 1,000 words or less. They pay $25.

  3. March 21, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    Depressed Philosopher Magazine is looking for humorous anecdotes for their German Summer Fun! issue. If you’ve had any “meet cute” encounters with Schopenhauer or Nietzsche they pay $70 for 700 words.

  4. Bill Spencer
    March 20, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    Fling’s guidelines are an outrage. Right off the top of my head, I can think of two huge reasons I will NOT be submitting to them.



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