Blatter Out, Sexwale In?

“Tokyo Sexwale will replace Sepp Blatter,” says Davidoff Clarkinov, my soccer FIFA  expert.

I can’t say Sepp Blatter without rushing to the bathroom. It’s not so much his corruption, just that his name evokes a certain urination urge.

Now, Tokyo Sexwale, I have no idea what that is. I’m imagining it’s related to a sperm whale which I’m sure the Japanese also enjoy hunting.  Maybe a sexwale likes to hump things but…er… isn’t that reserved for the humpback whale? Wow, I bet no one under the sea wants to get raped by a sex whale. They can go on a dork-a-thon. That’s probably where the book “Moby Dick” came from.

“You being stupid, Silliman,” says Clarkinov. “Tokyo Sexwale will be the new FIFA president. He’s a South African mining businessman worth $ 200 million dollars.”

Really? I say. I thought that flat bread guy,  Michael Panini was taking over.

“No, he’s not. And you mean Michel Platini, Blatter’s right hand man, who is also suspended. No, Sexwale, if he gets the backing of the African federation will get the job,” says Clarkinov.

Okay, so this is a real person, I say as I’m googling Sexwale. I see he’s an old buddy of Mandela and his companies pretty well mine everything – diamonds, gold, platinum, oil. But I also see he’s not the only person still in the running for the FIFA job. There’s still a wine guy,  a Jordanian prince and a naked man. Whoa, that’s a collection of weirdos.

“What wine guy?” asks Clarkinov. “Do you mean Je’rome Champagne, the French diplomat? No, he might have been a good president. He would’ve taken the games away from Qatar but he withdrew his candidacy.”

So now it’s the Jordanian with the terrorist name, the naked guy and a Sexwale?

“Silliman! Prince Ali-bin al-Hussein is not a terrorist. And quit saying ‘Naked Guy.’ It’s David Nakhid, a former soccer player from Trinidad and Tobago.”

You’ve to admit, Clarkinov, bin-al-Hussein is pretty, pretty terroristy sounding. And ‘David Nakhid’? Where does FIFA come up with their candidates, from a Dave Barry novel?

“Al-bin al-Hussein was the president of FIFA Asia and was close to unseating Blatter in the last election. He’s well respected in the soccer community. He will be Sexwale’s toughest competition.”

Why can’t they get a regular Joe to run for FIFA president?

“Regular Joes aren’t into international soccer. You want David Beckham to run the show? You know if David got elected, Posh Spice would be running things, right? Is that what you want?


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