Some people are so difficult to shop for at Christmas. Perhaps the hardest is that uncle who’s on the No Fly list. Since he’s unable to fly to your house during the holidays, you probably know next to nothing about his tastes and interests.
Fortunately for you, a new company called Gun TV (GTV Live Shopping) is set to debut in the US in January. Founded by a pair of television home-shopping industry veterans, the channel will sell guns as well as ammunition and related gear (such as child-sized coffins for those totally unexpected in-home “accidents.”).
To promote its grand opening, Gun TV is offering a “Christ-mass-shooter special.” A $299.00 gift certificate will provide your uncle with:
* One AK-47
* A copy of Donald Trump’s forthcoming book The Art Of The Lie.
* Two thousands rounds of ammunition.
* A bumper sticker reading: “Guns Don’t Kill People, Mental Illness Does”
* A camouflage speedo with padding to make your genitals appear larger.
* One copy of Anger Management For Dummies.
* Titanium-toed boots to prevent self-inflicted foot injuries.
And, if you order before December 15th:
* Architectural plans for an underground bunker (a $500 value!).
Christmas this year will be different. You’re not gonna screw up like last year, when you were drunk and awake at 2am and bought your uncle on the No Fly list a copy of John Denver’s greatest hits. And thanks to congressional inaction, your scary uncle is still legally entitled to own a sweet high-powered gun.
Whatever happened to “You’ll shoot your eye out,” followed by a flat refusal to even consider buying the weapon?
Maybe someone will give it to him, anyway, but in the meantime he’ll have to go through all kinds of trouble to make his wish known, like being pushed down a slide and ending up in a pile of cotton.
I’m sharing this like crazy but at the same time I don’t want to give this channel any free publicity!
Thanks D. I think they’ll probably get plenty of publicity anyway given all that’s happened.
DEVASTATING! but “Christ-mass-shooter” is especially brilliant.
Too kind as always, Bill. Thanks.