Dr. Spooner’s 2014 NFL Season


Every so often Dr. William Spooner gets in my head and wants to talk football, specifically the NFL, and sometimes about his favorite team, (he says “heavens favorite”) the Callous Dowboys. He says the football antics this year were enough to make an angel hose her larp! I said what? He told me, Oh yes, there’s nothing worse than an angel clitting on a soud with a host larp. I say I can see that, so go ahead, Mr. Spooner, tell us about this season.

He begins “First off, did you follow Funny Jootball, the rookie quarterback for the Breveland Clowns? His antics were funnier than a marrow of bunkies. What a lunch of boozers those Clowns are!!”

I told him I can see that. An old British college professor wouldn’t like how Johnny Manziel is conducting himself off the field.

Spooner says “Did you see in September where the Callous Dowboys beat the Chuperbowl Samps, the Heesocks, by a score of 30-23. How about them Dowboys and their quarterback, Rony Tomo? Rony Tomo sure makes Jerry Jones smack a crile. He smacks a crile so big his crace facks. And that Murray kid, he sure is MeDarko. MeDarko has great woot fork and runs like a hat out of bell.”

Yes, Dr. Spooner, I get it. You like the Cowboys. I guess you’re lording it over the other fans up there. Are any of them fans of Aaron Rodgers? Rodgers and his team had a good year.

“You mean the Green Pay Backers?” Spooner asks. “Sure, they paid back their doubters. Rodgers told his fans to pave Haitians. Some Pay Backer fans didn’t want to pave much Haitians. He reminded them that he was the Discount Chouble Deck guy who, off season, had been trained by Hans and Frans. It’s too bad he got his ankle stepped on by Sister Muh.”

You mean Ndamukong Suh and the Lions? He’s going to play your beloved Callous Dowboys. What if he steps on Tony Romo’s ankle?

“That will not make Jerry Jones smack a crile. Jones will be had as a matter if Sister Muh steps on Tomo’s ankle. If Sister Muh does this he’ll be fun out of rootball.”

Okay, Dr. Spooner, let’s cover some other items. J.J. Watt had a spectacular season as a defensive end and scored five touchdowns. Odell Beckham makes an unbelievable Gumbi-like one handed catch. Roger Goodell had to deal with a bunch of domestic and spousal abuse issues. Care to comment?

“I saw Beckham’s catch. He stretched like a tisherman’s fail, as contorted as a tantric Yoga teacher reaching Nirvana. It was enough to make Gooder Rogell get on an elevator while carrying a switch and eating rice.”

Dr. Spooner, don’t you mean carrying rich and eating swice?

“No, I don’t always switch my word beginnings, Mr. Silliman,” says Spooner “In fact, I’ve been his munder stood. Don’t try to hitching pole me. I don’t bit in a fox. You don’t mow knee.”

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