Get Me A Massage…Stat!

beachmassageHere in Los Angeles, everyone wants a massage all the time. To hear people talk, you’d think that it ranks right after air on the list of basic human needs.

The problem is, where to go? It seems like there are only two types of massages available in the Great Southern California Basin. The first is the $40, “Hey you, come in here now, I treat you like king,” massage that is available in every strip mall (and requires a return trip to the chiropractor to recover from the injuries), and the exotic and expensive “spa” treatment massage that is included in every award show celebrity gift bag.

Well, there is a third kind, but that isn’t really a massage now, is it?

So in case you are planning your trip to SoCal, and getting a fancy massage is on your list of things to do, right after taking an open-top bus tour of the stars’ homes, here is a sampling of the menu from a very shi-shi spa called the Brooke Williams Experience. Brooke Williams invites you to go beyond the spa and envelope yourself in a sanctuary of decadent decompression, where complete relaxation is only a second mortgage away.

spacandlesThe Brooke Williams Signature Enhanced Organic Gluten-Free Vegan Massage: relax, breathe deeply, and experience the indulgent benefits of being massaged by two professional Swedish millennial masseuses who are not only unnaturally strong, but constantly give off the odors of Frankincense, Eucalyptus, and a lack of career goals. Spiral spiritually into revelatory relaxation as Lars and Ingrid take turns spreading hot pomegranate seeds and cold quinoa over your body, then wrap you in giant steamed kale leaves while humming tunes from their personal Spotify station.

The Pure Relaxation Aura Detox and Attitude Adjustment: this specialized and highly individualized Brooke Williams treatment explores the root causes of your H2V deficiencies and manipulates your actualization problems by gently massaging the areas that surround your entire body. Feel revitalized while the air that hovers between six inches and a foot from your body – your spiritual atmosphere – is caressed and manipulated for 80 minutes until your skin pores yearn for actual physical contact. This “teasing” style of massage focuses your desires until you practically leap into your partner’s, or anyone’s, arms to experience the next level of human interaction.NordicVodka

Enzyme Nourishing, 4-Layer Resurfacing and Brightener: no one in the building knows what this means, but sit back, relax and enjoy while your tense, imperfect body is dipped in imported Vodka for over an hour while lemon twists are gently and skillfully shoved into any available openings by our skilled technicians. Upon emerging from the vodka soak, your human suit pruny from the rejuvenating pharmaceutical grade Nordic booze, you will be waxed from head to toe then flogged gently with the dangling ends of unfinished macrame craft show key chain holders until your skin positively glows. Look younger, feel brighter! Note: do not drive yourself home.

Unfortunately, I do not have enough money to indulge in this level of decadent pampering that would enable me to escape the chaotic world’s shackles of stress and strain. Maybe you do. But for now, I will just have to be spiritually satisfied by leaning backwards forcefully against the doorjamb, hoping to hit that spot.

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10 thoughts on “Get Me A Massage…Stat!”

  1. I think it’s always best to have a massage by someone with no career goals. The frustration goes through their fingers and right to those tight muscles. I do prefer Gluten though.

    1. There was one that involved rolling your weary body in a batter made of fine French gluten and German beer, but I thought that the immersion in hot Italian Olive Oil would have made for one messy massage fritter.

  2. Some parts of the Enzyme Nourishing, 4-Layer Resurfacing and Brightener scare the bejaysus out me. Can I just soak in vodka?

  3. Good thing I’m subbing in a class where the noise level is high, because I am laughing my head off at this latest one Forrest. Lars and Ingrid indeed! LOL Do you think they’ll give me a discount if I stop by the Farmers Market and pick up my own pomegranate, quinoa and kale?

      1. Well my first inclination was to go with the vodka soak, but the part about the lemon twists being gently and skillfully shoved into any available opening scared me. hehe

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