Gunning For New Members

It’s gotta be tough attracting new members to your church. The young are probably the hardest to reach — given their aversion to homophobia and waking up early on Sundays, it’s kind of like trying to get them to trade in their iPhone 6 for a rotary dial one. But according to the Pew Research Center, men have also been attending in declining numbers since the 1970’s. In response, churches have tried car shows and bacon giveaways to attract members, especially men. But the Rocky Mountain United Methodist Church in Jemison, Alabama is taking it a step farther. Faced with a self-inflicted decline in membership, the church is opening a gun range in the gully behind its main building.

The main advantage to this innovation is obvious. If someone doesn’t pony up money for the collection basket, their face appears on the targets during the following week’s shooting session. The secondary benefit comes during Ash Wednesday. If a gun recoils and tags a shooter in the forehead, leaving a mark, the church won’t have to spend money for the ash to mark his forehead.

Interestingly, the United Methodist Church organization has officially declared its churches to be a Weapon Free Zone. So, as long the Rocky Mountain Church doesn’t charge parishoners to use their guns, it will remain in compliance with the rule. Hence, the non-profit status of the range.

Many of the shooters will be new to guns, so training and safety are paramount. Having qualified trainers will be important. I imagine the training session will go something like this:

“Okay, first make sure the gun is fully loaded and the safety is off. Then you need to do The Sign of the Cross. Tap the barrel against your forehead, then against your chest…”

This church has a really innovative idea. And it’ll probably work great until another church in the next town over opens up a machine gun range.