How To Incorporate Ignorance And Racism Into Your Halloween Costume

Halloween is a unique holiday because it always backfires on people who try to pass off their ignorance and racism as humor via their costume. Consider the guy who dressed up in a Neighborhood Watch t-shirt and held a finger-pistol to the head of his buddy, who was wearing blackface and a sweatshirt with a red bullet hole. If you Google their names, the top result concerns this incident and the Facebook picture that caused the backlash. That picture is now required content in those “Halloween Costumes To Avoid” listicles that inevitably appear each year in late October.

Sure, there’s candy and all, but Halloween is actually a device the universe uses to defeat racism. It works like this:

Every time one of the two guys mentioned above interviews for a job, the hiring agent will do a web search. The image pops up and they don’t get that job. Eventually, due to these checks, they can only land a job cleaning out chicken coops. Since no one wants to mate with a low-paid chicken poop cleaner, they won’t have children, so the racist virus won’t be handed down to a subsequent generation.

But there still is a way to incorporate ignorance and racism into a Halloween outfit. You simply use your costume to mock it. So try this:

Dress up in a Revolutionary War costume. And then do your trick-or-treating in a hard-line conservative neighborhood (just look for an abundance of home security system signs). When someone answers the door they’ll smile, chuckle, and then say “Oh, are you a Revolutionary War patriot?” To which you reply, “No, I’m a Tea Partier. Did you know that Obama caused 9-11?”

You are now doing your part to mock racists. The universe looks favorably upon this.

When the homeowner lowers their candy basket, you say, “I’m not into the dark stuff, do you happen to have any white chocolate?”

It doesn’t matter if the homeowner gets it or not. You’re just doing your part to keep things moving forward.