LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas. Just as his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination begins to gain traction, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee is facing criticism from animal rights groups and death penalty opponents over his practice of cooking squirrels in a popcorn popper while a college student.
“Did I cook squirrels in a popcorn popper? Yes, but they were dead squirrels.”
“Ouachita Baptist University, where I went to school, had an absolute ban on hot plates,” Huckabee said to reporters on the driveway of his residence here. “What was I supposed to do–wait until the Crock Pot was invented?”
Crock Pot: Made in my home town–Sedalia, Mo.!
Squirrel is a staple meat course in Arkansas, where cattle are unable to graze due to steep Ozark hills. Fattened cows often roll downhill into Louisiana, where they are made into hamburgers and served to New Orleans tourists afraid to consume “po boy” sandwiches.
“Do I want to go for a ride in your electric Squirrel Tilt-a-Whirl? Sure Mr. Huckabee!”
The victims of Huckabee’s cooking were honored in a silent memorial tribute on the plaza outside the governor’s mansion here, where Huckabee served for over ten years.
“We’re putting down one Jiffy-Pop self-contained popping pack with a road-killed squirrel for each one that died at the hands of Huckabee and his cordon of nefarious henchmen,” said Belinda Haller of the Greater Little Rock Anti-Vivisection League, borrowing a line from The Adventures of Rocky the Flying Squirrel. “Then we pour melted butter on it and sprinkle with salt.”
For even fluffier popped squirrel, try the gourmet brand Orville Rodentbacher’s.