I Am Running For President!

Some day.
Some day.

Running for President as a conservative is a lot like dodging roadkill on a busy two-lane highway. You can’t veer left, which guarantees certain death. So you’re forced to swerve hard to the right, but then angle back to the center lest you go sailing into a ditch.

More importantly, it’s a great way to sell books. At the recent Conservative Political Action Pac (CPAC) gathering, zero-chance “candidates” were all selling books. According to the New York Times, Newt Gingrich was pimping his wife’s series of childrens’ books. And Sarah Palin was selling her Christmas-defense title Commercializing Christmas: How Selling Junk Like This Is Stripping God From Christmas.

I like selling my books, so I’ve decided to run for President.

I need a fresh policy idea apart from eliminating all taxes, so I’ve developed a plan to end the current standoff over funding Homeland Security. The funding is being held up by far-right House conservatives who dislike the President’s executive action on immigration. So I’m positioning myself as a new type of conservative problem solver.

My plan is to appease these folks with a new holiday. Here’s the first draft of my bill:

“Starting in 2015, July 5th will henceforth be a national holiday known as Conservative White Patriot Day. This day recognizes the fact that only white conservatives truly love America. They are the only ones who still believe the Constitution is worth saving and defending. And only they know that the best way to defend America’s southern border is to make the people guarding that border work without paychecks.”

I’ll “need” to raise a trillion dollars. So send your contributions to www.pretendingtoruntosellcrap.com. Your generous contributions will help me “challenge” this guy:

Walker

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3 thoughts on “I Am Running For President!”

  1. Woody Allen had it best in “Bananas”: From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now… 16 years old!

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