If You Do One Thing Today, Please Rate Our Services | HumorOutcasts

If You Do One Thing Today, Please Rate Our Services

June 12, 2015

Customer opinion in the age of the internet is ever more paramount.  If it were true in pre-cyberspace times that “a happy customer tells a friend, while an unhappy customer tells the world”, modern businesses must assume that dissatisfied customers extraterrestrially broadcast messages of disappointment.  To balance their reputations, corporations are working laboriously  for positive feedback.  Some will stop at almost nothing for a 5 star review.  Take this letter I received in the mail recently, following my purchase of a microwave (it was followed by 3 phone calls and 6 emails):

Thank you so much for purchasing a new microwave from Electrical Brothers!  We’ve been in business for nearly 250 years, and we credit the success of our appliance stores to the positive feedback from customers just like you!  We hope you love your microwave, and that your experience with its installation was profound.  Please take 5 or 50 minutes or so to complete a customer satisfaction survey for us.  Our goal is 200% consumer contentment.  Meaning we hope you’re so happy with us that you have a non-customer friend sign a photocopied survey with excellent ratings, just so you’ll relieve them from hearing your nonstop acclaim about us!

Should you find yourself unable to give us a score of 11 (meaning Preternaturally Infallible), please contact our Chairperson, Carmelito.  That’s right, Carmelito wants to hear from you if you think we’ve only earned a 10 on any single question.  He’s six sigma like that. 

As a token of our gratitude for your survey of all “11” ratings, please enjoy the enclosed gift.  It’s a travel mug with the ability to contain coffee, water and tea simultaneously yet separately.  Now, would a company with services and products less than “11” give you a mug like this?  We didn’t think so!  Look closely and you’ll see not only your sales contact Al’s autograph on the mug, but Chairperson Carm’s too!

Carmelito actually lives in Bora Bora, so while you shouldn’t be shy in contacting him about any less than stellar experiences, we ask that you do take account of the time difference before calling.  Make no mistake, however; he wants to personally guarantee your delight.  Nothing matters to him more.  On one occasion, a customer ranked their appliance delivery only a “4”, and Carmelito insisted that his cousin Anthony pay a personal visit to them.  The client had some terrible misfortune that day, because Anthony found the man bruised beyond belief from some freak staircase accident, and offered to be a good Samaritan and drive him to his private doctor for medical care.  Needless to say, the customer edited that delivery score to an “11” as soon as he was released from the hospital!  That’s how much Electrical Brothers cares for you.

So please, take a few moments and rate us the way only a satisfied customer like you can.

We will hunt you down, call you incessantly, and kidnap your children unless you give us your honest positive opinion.

We will hunt you down, call you incessantly, and kidnap your children unless you give us your honest positive opinion.

Emily Schleiger

Emily Schleiger is a writer in the Chicago area. Her work has been published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Second City Network, and HumorOutcasts.com. After surviving a short career in Human Resources, she has studied at The Second City and Gotham Writers’ Workshop. For more writing, check out EmilySchleiger.com and DontRepeatThisInPreschool.com. For her birthday she would love a drum set, but in the interim she’s just fine with smacking carrots against the kitchen countertop because she is adaptable like that.

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8 Responses to If You Do One Thing Today, Please Rate Our Services

  1. June 14, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    I rarely fill out customer surveys.I am sleeping with one eye open.

    • June 16, 2015 at 9:17 am

      It’s a choice, really. Good sleep or completed surveys.

  2. June 12, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Too funny. This post gets a rating of 11.

    • June 12, 2015 at 4:33 pm

      Thank you so much, Thomas, your travel mug is on its way!

  3. June 12, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Wow, I never realized how PR efforts could be so relentless (or math deficient). Thanks for posting!

    • June 12, 2015 at 4:35 pm

      It sounds like you need to upgrade your customer service experience! The surveys are just one part of it. I’ll dial Carmelito and see if he can interest you in a new item from Electrical Brothers.

  4. June 12, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    I recently filled out a customer satisfaction survey after a stay at a hotel that rhymes with Shmoliday Shminn. I gave them 1 to 2 stars in everything except one category, where they received a 3. They replied with “by our calculations, you have given us a rating of 3.5 stars! Would you like to post your results?”


    • June 12, 2015 at 4:37 pm

      Oh my gosh that would drive me crazy!!

      I rated a beauty product one star on a website after complaining and getting a replacement sent (that still sucked), and wouldn’t you know it, my review never appeared. The product continues to show a solid 5 star rating on the site. Grrrrr.

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