Not the Cheerleaders!!


Maybe columnist Molly Ivins was right – Texas lawmakers ARE crazy. At least this is what my neighbor, Lyle, is also saying when he read about Houston representative, Al Edwards, proposing a law to ban dirty dancing by cheerleaders.

Lyle points out this quote by Edwards: “They’re shaking their behinds and breaking it down.” Under Edwards’ bill, if a school district knowingly permits such a performance state funds will be reduced in an amount to be determined by the education commissioner. We’re thinking $ 500 for a grind, $ 1000 bucks per bump, $ 2000 for having Big Busty on top of the pyramid. Short skirts, possibly okay, as long as everyone is river dancing.

“This is unAmerican,” says Lyle, “they’re going to have to pry my sexy cheerleader out of my cold dead hands. What a cheerleader does in the privacy of her own stadium is nobody’s business but her own. If she wants to shake a little booty and you don’t want to watch it, you can keep your eyes on her boobs.”

We don’t know if we’ve ever seen Lyle so worked up. We are sure this is probably not a good way to spend taxpayer’s money. We’re also a little confused by the words “sexy.” We can’t figure what part of slender, attractive females in short skirts, tight tops doing high leg kicks and panty exposing flips does not qualify as “sexy”? Is Mr. Edwards proposing the Texas schools take a note out of the Amish Cheerleading guide and wear full length skirts and bonnets? “Churn, churn, churn that butter!” “Go thy team!” Where was Mr. Edwards when we needed him – when Elvis Presley was coming up?

“This is just plain nuts,” says Lyle. “I just bought a brand new camcorder. Now what am I going to do? Next thing the legislature is going to say is that you can’t carry a concealed cheerleader in your car. They’ll be a seven day waiting period before you can take home a cheerleader. This is ridiculous. Texans needs to stick to things they know something about, like executing jaywalkers and running over armadillos.”

We’re not sure how the exact wording of the law will pan out, but those in the cheerleading industry don’t seem to be as fearful as Lyle. J.M. Farias, of the Austin Cheer Factory, says his industry will welcome the law and that cheering competitions already penalize for suggestive or vulgar movements.

“But that’s just the beginning,” says Lyle. “Once the camel gets his nose under the skirt, there’s no telling where he’ll go next.” I hate to tell Lyle he’s messing with the metaphors, again.

“When the founders of our country wrote our laws do you think they worried about what you could or couldn’t shake? They had other worries, like termites in their wooden teeth. Like sword fighting with their mighty pens. They made no laws about cheerleaders.”

I think of telling Lyle that, maybe, the founders had no cheerleaders. “What about the Painettes?” smirks Lyle. I’m sorry I was thinking or asked. Now I have to hear about Thomas Paine and his famous Painettes. “Do you remember These are The Times to Try New Shoes? Go George, Go George, Cross that Delaware.”

Please Lyle, take your camcorder and your placard. Head down to Austin and keep that bill from passing. Your country needs you.

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