Last night I watched the much anticipated premiere of Sharknado 3. Don’t worry if you had to miss the Syfy Channel broadcast for as they say—I got you covered. Let me jump right in and tell you about this biting thriller/comedy.
When last we left our beloved heroes April and Fin Shepard (Tara Reid and Ian Ziering ), they were rekindling their love for each other. In fact, Fin had just given April back her engagement ring. He rescued it from her left hand which happened to be resting inside a shark that he chainsawed to death in the last flick. Let’s fast forward.
The love birds are not only re-married but expecting a child any day. April is at Universal Orlando with her teenage daughter and her mother, played by the still glamorous Bo Derek—sans braids. April wears a glove over her prosthesis which is equipped with a portable chainsaw. I bet her HMO didn’t cover that extra cost.
Fin is in Washington D.C. to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Mark Cuban—yes, the Mark Cuban of business and Shark Tank fame. What are the odds? Well, probably even money if you think about it. Anyway, we soon discover that Ann Coulter, the world’s most cold-blooded and fierce predator in real life, is Vice President. Along with the medal, Fin receives a golden chainsaw from the mayor of NYC for his bravery and talent for killing flying sharks with the lawn tool in Sharknado 2.
Cameos abound in this flick–especially appearances by political stars. If Chris Christie or Donald Trump had roles, this movie would have included almost the entire 2016 GOP presidential lineup. While in Washington, Fin and the D.C. elite fall victim to a massive Sharknado. People in tuxes and gowns who were minutes before lining up for the fresh seafood bar are now the buffet themselves. Fin races to save Cuban and Ann Coulter (I Know–the reason eluded me too). Cuban and Fin find the armory in the White House and between guns and his new golden chainsaw, they stop the sharks in D.C. We know this because the TODAY SHOW cast monitors the Sharknado events which are increasing and threatening to destroy other cities in the country.
So, what’s going on with the one-armed wonder and family at Universal Orlando? Nothing. Sure, they are aware that Washington has been destroyed by a Sharknado, but they don’t let it ruin their fun. They continue to go on the rides and eat amusement park junk food. I guess if people are going to pay that exorbitant admission price, they are going to get their money’s worth at Universal.
Well, the sharks descend upon Orlando and other cities, including Daytona where the Daytona 500 is going on. They eat both drivers and NASCAR fans…that might not be a bad thing…and once again we know this because of Matt Lauer and Today Show reporting. To be honest, I can never look at that show again with any kind of serious respect.
Fin knows that he needs a lot of heat and flame to stop the Sharknados from merging and creating an F5 sharknado that will destroy the country, so he enlists the help of his father, a drunken ex-astronaut who never was allowed to fly in space, played by David Hasselhoff. They devise a plan to take a secret space shuttle and use its satellite weaponry system to destroy the sharknados. And NASA lets them have it. It doesn’t matter that no one has any shuttle experience—nope—they just suit them up. In the meantime, the pregnant April finds out about the flight and runs to Cape Canaveral and yells at Fin just as he is boarding the shuttle. It’s amazing that she gets right through the gates—no metal detectors or hands-on TSA agents. Nothing. Just a bunch of 20-somethings in embroidered NASA golf shirts who look like they just walked out of their shift at the APPLE store. Just as Fin is about to get into the shuttle, the sharknado hits and he puts April in an astronaut suit and the shuttle takes off. Now you know this is fiction because you can’t fly in your last trimester without a doctor’s note.
** I have to fast forward here. I left out some major characters such as Nova, the female shark fighter who wears a leather bra to fight the creatures and who obviously had a thing for Fin.
Well, things don’t go as planned and Fin’s dad sacrifices himself in space for his son and unborn grandchild. And just as Fin and April think that they will be okay, sharks get into the shuttle which causes the shuttle to plummet to Earth. As they crashing, a shark eats April, so Fin jumps into the mouth of what he thinks is the same shark, to be with her. We see him rummaging around the intestines trying to find his pregnant wife, but nothing. When he finally lands on Earth, he climbs out of the shark. Surrounded by other fallen fish, he looks for his beloved. He is heartbroken and desperate and just when he is about to give up, he hears a buzzing noise and sees that April used her chainsaw hand to cut a hole through her shark. But it’s not April who comes out. NO, it’s their newborn son. Yep, April not only delivered the baby in the shark, but was able to cut a hole and hand the baby to Fin.
Now, you might think this is the most amazing part of the story, but it’s not. The most amazing part of the story is that after she is eaten by the shark, she is able to wriggle out of her space suit while inside the shark, deliver a baby, cut the umbilical cord and then find a new outfit to put on before she exits the shark. Now, that is freaking amazing.
What can we learn from Sharknado 3?
- It’s easier to get through security for a space shuttle than security for a flight to Pittsburgh
- A chainsaw arm is way more effective than pepper spray. We should all have one.
- Vote Democratic. You might not like the party’s politics but they don’t do Sharknado films
- Always carry a change of underwear. You never know when you will need it.