In my day job, I’m a freelance medical copywriter, so I get to throw around a lot of clinical jargon. In my other day job, I write a humor blog, where I sometimes simply make up words. Put it together with the fact that I’m a baby boomer–which means I seem to be spending more time dealing with health-related issues–and you have this week’s Boomer Haiku post: made–up medical words and conditions!
Here goes:
Anal fisher: Bottom feeder
Appendagitis: Inflammation of a protruberance that is typically smaller and of less functional importance than the main part to which it is attached
Black toast intolerance: The inability to consume burnt toast without untoward gastrointestinal side effects
Cataractivism: Vigorous campaigning to reverse clouding of the lens of the eye
Clones disease: The overwhelming urge to replicate yourself in order to get things done when you’re overextended
Constipraytion: When your ability to communicate with a higher power gets stuck
Corollary archery disease: The arm and shoulder soreness that naturally follows shooting with bows and arrows
Costcoporosis: The formation of holes in and leaching of money from one’s wallet after joining a discount shopping club
Demenschacha: A forgettable ballroom dance with a person of integrity and honor
Direction problems: The issues that people with penises seem to have with asking for, reading or following instructions or guidance
Dumbititis (the “b” is silent): When you itch to slap someone for being stupid
Dumbolization: The process or state in which the flow of factual information is blocked or clogged by stupidity
Endocrinoline: Internally secreted hormones used to stiffen a petticoat
Extranus: Ripped a new one
Farmacologic: The thinking and reasoning needed to play online farm games
Gastroinfinitesimal: Referring to an extremely small stomach (as in “I can’t eat a large meal because I’m so gastroinfinitesimal”)
Glockoma—The inability to see a gun safety problem (the word “glockoma” exists out there in cyberspace, but this is a new definition)
Him-or-‘roids: The ultimatum some body builders give themselves, mistakenly believing they will look like the proverbial 98-pound weakling unless they take steroids
Hyperlippedemia: Excessively oversized lips as a result of too much dermal filler
John dis: To speak disrespectfully of or criticize a prostitute’s client
Matherosclerosis: Inability to understand arithmetic due to a restricted flow of comprehension
Minimally evasive: When one uses the least amount of prevarication necessary to dodge a question
Napolio: When you fall into such a deep sleep during a nap that you can’t move
New-money-a: An affliction affecting some rich people who recently acquired their wealth, characterized by ostentatiousness or a lack of good taste
Obstructive sweep apnea: The temporary cessation of breathing while doing housework
Offthemallogy: The study of why people stop shopping at the mall
Oppositional deviant disorder (ODD): A frequent, persistent and childlike pattern of departing from usual or accepted standards in expressing disagreement with another person, as in “Donald Trump exhibits ODD anytime someone challenges him” (not to be confused with oppositional defiant disorder, from which he may also suffer)
Penal implant: Inserting a correctional institution into a community
Pursitis: Inflammation of a purse, causing a rapid outflow of the money it carries (“I spent so much on shoes because I had a bad case of pursitis”)
Spermutation: A genital sneeze, aka ejaculation (a variation of sternutation, which is from the Latin sternuere, “to sneeze”)
Stress incompetence: The inability to function under pressure
Tackycardick: An obnoxious person who drives a garish car abnormally fast
Therapeutic message: A communication that touches you and makes you feel better
Vernacular degeneration: The deterioration of language
There’s a phenomenon called “second-year medical student syndrome” in which medical students perceive themselves to be experiencing the symptoms of a disease that they’re studying. I have to admit that I’ve experienced this when writing about certain real-life ailments.
But while concocting a few health conditions for this week’s blog post, I got to wondering:
If a medical
malady is made up, can
you still have symptoms?
What do you think? Have you—or has anyone you know—experienced any of these made-up conditions? Got some of your own you’d like to offer up? Please share!
Read more of my humor here.
I’m pretty sure I have most of these, but so glad I don’t need my endocrinoline since I grew up! Great post, Roxanne!
Thanks, Cathy! Yes, it’s good to get rid of the endocrinoline, isn’t it?
So funny! I can’t believe how you came up with John Dis. I don’t want to know how that even came about?
Thank you, Donna! I’m not really sure where they come from…that one, in particular!
I believe your coinage will amount to a lot of change.
From your lips to god’s ears. Or something. But thanks!