Smartass Sundays: Playing Family Feud as a Returning Champion | HumorOutcasts

Smartass Sundays: Playing Family Feud as a Returning Champion

February 14, 2016
A dose a day keeps you separate from the village idiot fray.

A dose a day keeps you separate from the village idiot fray.

Who doesn’t like the underdog family winning the game on Family Feud and coming back for week two? You can smell the cockiness from across the idiot box. The confidence, the snarkyness. Even a slight hint of intelligent know-it-all lime added to the mix. Nothing says SmartAss Sundays like a family with their ass up on their shoulders oblivious that their success depends on the ratings of their appearance.

We still don’t have confirmation on the 100 people that got surveyed and provided the answers; for all we know some miserable production assistant is changing them as they go along. Half the fun is trying to guess will the returning champion’s willful ignorance destroy their mission to get the prize money. The inner smartass in me dances in the pale moonlight for this. Let the games begin! My top five answers on the board.

Round 1: Name a white animal.

  1. Methamphetamine/White Ice.
  2. Heroin/White Horse.
  3. Cocaine/Crack/White Girl.
  4. New York Marijuana/White Weed.
  5. Moonshine/White Lightning.

Round 2: Name a place babies are put after birth.

  1. Dumpster/Garbage.
  2. Car Trunk.
  3. Abandoned Building.
  4. A Ditch.
  5. Bottom of a well.

Round 3: Name something you stand up for when they enter a room.

  1. Adolph Hitler.
  2. Nicolae Ceauseacu.
  3. Benito Mussolini.
  4. Muammar al-Gaddafi.
  5. Ronald Reagen.

Round 4: Name something that sounds like gunshots.

  1. Glock 9mm.
  2. Colt 45.
  3. .38 Special.
  4. .357 Magnum.
  5. .22 Deuce Deuce.

Final Round Questions:

Name something that kids always brag about regarding their fathers.

  1. I ain’t got no father.
  2. Never met the dude.

Name a popular dam.

  1. God.
  2. Hot.

Name something specific kids want for the first day of school.

  1. Not to go/cut class.
  2. An attractive teacher/substitute.

Name something a father gives his kids at birth.

  1. STD/STI.
  2. Inspection to prove paternity.

Name something that can give you blisters.

  1. A New York hooker.
  2. Masturbation without lotion.


Richard Lawson maybe would have been turned off enough not to try to molest me with some of these answers.

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin is a philosopher of the Edward Bernays Century of Self, a follower of Sigmund Freud’s explorations of the subconscious mind through chemical means, and an avid enthusiast of Adolph Hitler’s short-lived ballet career before he rose through the ranks of the Third Reich. Spelvin had dedicated her post academic career as an innovative writer that creates a written vision to prove misanthropic tendencies works with an audience, crafting a message that sways public approval towards her client’s products to the guarantee of the masses blindly supporting the company agenda without them knowing it. A dirty job, but someone has to pacify the idiots who know not what they blindly support into a continuing trek of oblivion. Last, but not least, Spelvin is a firm believer in the annihilation of the JUSTIN BELIBERS. Currently she is working on her cookbook, To Serve A Hot Man: Jeffrey Dahmer's Classic Recipes due out this Christmas.

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