Embattled, controversial, former Toronto mayor Rob Ford has died. Feel sad for him and his family. It was way early. He was always good for a quote and for a Silliman on Sports story. Here’s one based on one of his famous quotes:
TASTY ATHLETES TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD MIGHT EAT
Embattled Toronto crack smoking mayor Rob Ford said at a press conference November 14 that he had “more than enough to eat at home.”
It’s obvious, you can tell by looking at him. An overweight crack smoker doesn’t get to be 400 pounds without “plenty to eat at home.” The guy certainly has an appetite. It makes us wonder whether his diet might include athletes. Not big ones, mind you, but it does appear his stomach could be hoarding a couple of gymnasts and maybe a jockey. We’re not saying he’s a cannibal but he does admit to being blackout drunk, so who really knows?
Now, you might be asking what is Rob Ford doing in a “Silliman on Sports” column? What does Rob Ford have to do with sports? Answer: he was a football coach. He’s the mayor of a city with several pro sports teams. He is often photographed wearing his Maple Leafs or Argonauts shirt. He was once photographed wearing an OU Sooners T-Shirt. His belly can hold several athletes.
We have to ask “Did you ever eat an athlete during one of your drunken stupors, Mr. Ford?”
Of course, he answers “There’s no video so that’s all I can say.”
I don’t know about you but answers like that make us even more inquisitive. Another question, Mr. Ford “We know you balanced the budget in Toronto but what is it about you biting athletes?” His answer “Sooner or later, you’re going to get bitten.”
Some of you are going to say these questions are stupid. And, besides, there’s no way Rob Ford could have ever eaten any athletes because he’s not very athletic and… you are what you eat. I guess that’s logical. After all, didn’t Mike Tyson later become more docile and even a vegan after he gnawed off Evander’s ear? Yeah, we can see that argument. But, sometimes, if you’re a crack-smoking inebriate, you eat things that does not become you.
Okay, so we’ll take a different tact. “Mr. Ford, not saying you ever did, but if you were ever to eat some athletes, who would sound the most delicious?”
“You mean like Coco Crisp, or Mitch Berger, Bubba Franks or Jack Ham? All of those sound delicious, especially garnished with O.J. Mayo or Dijon Thompson.”
Now, you’re talking, Mr. Ford. You certainly know your ballplayers and tasty food sounding names. Of course we would never accuse you of actually ingesting a player of this caliber. But are there any other players, maybe lesser known, with delectable sounding names you might know of?
“Well, I always thought the name Samari Rolle made my mouth water, covered with Jerry Rice, garnished with Julius Peppers, then dipped in Chad Mustard… a side of Cornbread Maxwell, then some after dinner Todd Coffey and George Creamer.”
“We thought, Mr. Mayor, you might prefer your Joe Black.”
“You Americans, always with the jokes. Let’s just clear this up, drunk or not, I’ve never eaten an athlete not even as finger food. I will admit, I’ve watched a lot of sports and salivated at the mention of these guys. George Gerken would make me crack open a pickle jar. Oops, did I say ‘crack’? I meant twist open. Goose Goslin? With Daryl Strawberry? Both those guys on the field, I couldn’t take it. And, worst of all, when that old Polish Pittsburg Steeler, Max Kielbasa, was on the field, I’d go crazy. It was enough to make you take up crack.”
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