There’s no better time than NOW to start PROCRASTINATING!

Note from the staff at HumorOutcasts: This post was originally scheduled to run in September 2015, but Tim Jones did not get around to it. He was extremely busy attending to more pressing matters, by which we mean trying to break his record score in Angry Birds.]

Do you wake up some mornings feeling overwhelmed by all the things you need to get done? Do you sometime wish you could just stay in bed for another hour? Another six hours? The month of April?  Wish you could just avoid all the items on your never-ending to-do list? Well, then what are you waiting for? There’s never been a better time than right now – right this second – to start PROCRASTINATING!

Hi, friend. This is Tim Jones – professional procrastinator and author of the book Why do today what you can put off till forever (a future best-seller – if I ever get around to finishing it). That’s right, friend. Now you can discover my proven techniques to put off completing even the most urgent, unpleasant project.

Tired of your spouse nagging you to do your share of the household chores? I know I am. The secret is to just keep stalling on getting around to her annoying Honey-Do list. Before long, I guarantee your spouse will stop nagging you once and for all. (Of course, her attorney may pick up where she left off.)

Nike commercials may urge you to Just Do It. But I say, Just Don’t. Think about it. How do you feel when you think about studying for your chemistry final? Or working on that dreaded quarterly forecast presentation for the VP at work? Pretty stressed out, right? Who wouldn’t be? That’s why you need to read my second book I haven’t quite gotten around to finishing: No problem is too big to run away from. Sure you might piss off a few people here and there – like your professor, your employer, your friends, maybe the IRS. But there is no responsibility or crisis so big that you can’t hide from it – assuming you’re willing to change your identity and relocate to Wyoming. I just checked and I’m pleased to report the name Wilber M. Jablonski is still available.

But for most of us, it’s not the big things we tend to put off. It’s the little things. Like cleaning out the garage. Or putting away the Christmas decorations, or taking the car in for repairs just because the engine catches on fire any time you use your left turn signal. Little things. Here are some practical strategies you can start using today to put off your responsibilities until tomorrow.

Tip #1: Ask yourself: What will happen if I don’t do it now?

In most cases, it will still be there tomorrow. So what if you don’t mow the lawn this weekend? Who’s going to complain if you blow off changing the water in the aquarium for another couple of weeks? What’s the big deal if you fail to inspect that cargo ship entering into New York City loaded with a bomb planted by Al Qaeda terrorists? In most cases, the downside is minimal. The upside is lots more time to get caught up on season four of House of Cards on Netflix.

Tip #2: Blame someone else.

If someone is giving you heat for failing to meet a deadline, remember that it’s not necessary to complete that project on time, just so long as you can credibly point the blame elsewhere – preferably someone who’s not available to defend themselves. That’s why I always like to blame a recently fired employee or an unstable ex-girlfriend who just moved back to Denmark. Be careful not to blame your failure to file your tax return on terrorists – unless, of course, you can make up a plausible story that you were kidnapped by Somali pirates when you were vacationing off the coast of Africa – while busily working on your tax return. But be careful. Don’t tell the IRS auditor the pirates’ leader’s name was Captain Morgan or Blackbeard. He might get suspicious.

Tip #3: Have a compelling excuse.

Don’t fret about upholding your commitments to your employer, spouse or kids. Focus instead on coming up with a believable excuse for why you have utterly failed to lift a finger. A technique I’ve used with great success is to make up an ominous-sounding affliction, like Cranial Systemic Melanopsis. (Technically speaking, melanopsis is a genus of freshwater snail, but I doubt they’ll Google it.) I know a guy who got out of doing dishes for ten years by telling his wife he was allergic to dish detergent… and sponges… and dish towels… and kitchens.

For years, another friend of mine got out of having to help his wife any lift any heavy boxes or move furniture simply by reminding her about his weak back caused by a shrapnel wound in his butt from the time he got hit by enemy fire in Vietnam while trying to save the life of a big black soldier he had to carry on his back running frantically through the underbrush – until he unwittingly agreed to watch Forest Gump with his wife. That was unfortunate.

Tip #4: Go ahead and do it – but really badly.

If you’ve run out of excuses trying to avoid your responsibilities, you may have no other choice but to suck it up and help out. In that case, be sure to really suck at it. There’s a high probability you’ll never be asked to help out again. It worked like a charm when recently my neighbor asked me to help him build a backyard fence. The previous fall, he had built a 700 sq. ft. backyard deck for my house while I was away on vacation in Cabo. So I felt somewhat obligated to reciprocate. But I made sure to accidentally saw the first section of the fence posts 2 feet too short and attach them upside down. He stopped me and sent me packing before we got 10% of the way through. Mission accomplished.

So what are you waiting for? There’s no time like the present to put things off till never. My wife just reminded me I was way past due in cleaning out the gutters, like she first asked me to do three months ago. And I would gladly get right on it, of course, but it’s cold and wet out. And it seems like my old hip injury from my time building huts in Bolivia in the Peace Corps before she met me is acting up again. It does that sometimes on cold winter days …. And warm summer days.

For more of my humor go HERE.

Check out Tim Jones’ latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time