Washington, October 14, 2016 – Pound Foolish, a spokesperson for the National Clown Anti-defamation League, says clowns arrested nationwide in the previous weeks for crimes such as carrying a hatchet, wearing clown makeup, and “looking suspicious,” are simply exercising their constitutional rights.
“Now that we have a crazy clown running for president, we thought we’d finally get the societal acceptance we clowns have always craved,” Foolish said in a press briefing today. “However, it’s become clear that Americans only appreciate clowns on the campaign trail. In everyday life, they have an irrational fear of us.”
Foolish went on to say he believe coulrophobia is the result of how the media portrays clowns. “They only show the bad news about us. One clown gets arrested for carrying a hatchet—for self-defense, I’m sure—and it’s on every national news network. But when one of us goes out and performs at a child’s birthday party, or in a show, bringing joy and laughter to an entire audience, where’s the news media? They’re busy talking about which presidential candidate has the biggest hands.”
He added that most clowns are law-abiding citizens who are not all that different from everyone else. “People get horrified and call the cops just because they see me walking around wearing lots of makeup. But you know what? I go to Walmart and I see people wearing way more makeup than me. But they’re not also wearing a clown suit, so no one cares. Let’s be real, folks: Some of you are planning to vote for a clown on November 8th. Don’t you think you should be kinder to the clowns in your own neighborhood?”
Foolish also said that even if an individual clown did become unstable, he or she would not pose much of a threat. “Have you ever tried to run in clown shoes? I guarantee you, most people can outrun clowns.”
The spokesman also admitted the plan to elect a clown president was flawed, but its intended purpose was not. “Clowns want to be loved and accepted, and we apologize that our plan to have one elected president has run amok. We wanted a clown president to show people all the good we can do in the world, but unfortunately the individual we chose is making us look worse instead of better due to multiple poor life choices. Please don’t hold that against us. Most of us are reasonable, good people who happen to wear cheap polyester suits.”