Whilst the Internet has provided us with a number of benefits, cyber trolls certainly aren’t one of them. This is about a particular troll I found on a popular pen pal site. Experts would classify him as a Munchausen Troll. I prefer to call him a bullshit artist. Only this wasn’t just any bullshit. No, McNob’s brand of bullshit was surreal. McNob was the Picasso, Warhol and Dali of surreal bullshit rolled into one.
Within this series you’ll enter an obnoxious world that makes Batman’s Arkham Asylum look like a prestigious intellectual think tank. And, just to make it official, (for me at least), I adopted the mantle of the Trollbuster General. My mission had historical precedence. Back in the 17th Century a failed lawyer called Matthew Hopkins became the Witchfinder General and set out to burn women at the stake. Not just any women. Hopkins may have been a misogynist, but he was particular about his misogyny. He only set fire to Satan’s handmaidens.
In the case of McNob and friends there was no need to look for a wart on the nose or a black cat. The hunting rifle was locked and loaded. Why? Because these were dangerous beasts. Take this not-so-veiled threat…
“At 10:50pm on April 21st, 2008,
Rubinstein said…
No sorry i worked for a branch of mi6, a covert branch who cleans up the mess others can not do, and i dont mean the shit house either, .You could call me the jackal but i dont get caught, i have c2 clearance, dhss sorry i have plenty money, i am not the best writer by far, thats why i am in the shadows.”
This was McNob in one of his many guises. Notice the poor spelling and grammar. I’d better warn you now; it’s going to get even worse. If this troll’s grammar and spelling were ill it would have only seconds to live.
In the interests of accuracy I’ve decided not to tamper with it. It wasn’t an easy decision. As a writer I have a great respect for the English language. So the urge to correct these linguistic abominations was great. But this would have made McNob and friends appear almost human and grant them a level of education they didn’t deserve. The only drawback was that my spell checker almost suffered a total breakdown.
In short McNob and his fellow trolls are the Internet version of the guests Jerry Springer has on his show. On second thoughts I think even Springer might consider his show too highbrow for these dorks. They also appeared on my blog, “The Guy Who Hunts Internet Trolls and Flamers.” The blog no longer exists. But whilst it was up and running it collected quite a following. According to an application that kept tabs on who visited my blog, someone from the Manchester Evening News spent over 20 hours on it! As did someone from the Australian government in Canberra.
Okay, I can understand why a newspaper might pay me a visit. But the Ozzy government? Were they concerned that these trolls might emigrate down under? Was the Prime Minister himself a troll? We can only speculate.
At this point I must mention the delightful Miss Charity without whom this series would never have been written. When I first came across her on Webpals she was pretending to be a Belgian woman who drank like a fish. As a result her messages gave the impression she was three sheets to the wind. I am, by nature, rather sarcastic so I couldn’t help having a pop at her.
After trading insults for a while she revealed she was really an American living in California. She also told me about the trolls on Webpals, in particular the one I dubbed McNob. Realising she was also a troll I decided she’d be a good subject to study. It was the start of a torrid cyber affair in which we exchanged over a thousand e-mails that must, in total, have rivalled the word count of “War and Peace.” Although I’m betting Tolstoy didn’t have as much fun as I did.
In the one below she talks about McNob…
“Subject: a quick “by-pass” but not the heart surgery kind
Date: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 23:43
From: Ms. Emotion <********@*******>
To: <********>
Conversation: a quick “by-pass” but not the heart surgery kind
Dear sir Knowles,
Pardon the formal greeting, I just like the way “sir” and “Knowles” sound, try it, say it aloud, it sounds smooth. I’m on break in the museum just now, but i’ll write you as soon as the hours of the moon show up. Thank you for the introduction, but you don’t say much about yourself or your past, don’t like writing long detailed letters with little tiny ass font size do you? No, really, I have to grab my binoculars to view your tiny words. I will share my introduction as well, later on.
How McNob and Clarity met: a beginning.
Hah! Yes, very sly that McNob. Oh it’s definately him, how can one not notice that ever so popular “TUFF”. I know of 6 of his aliases, you certainly know as much as well, I have seen either your posts or your visits to them. I can’t help but wonder if you and him are one in the same….I mean, you are a writer, writers shape shift, writers are fickle, writers look to conceive characters through actual human contact, well that mingled with imagination, and sometimes just imagination itself is at work….eitherway, what I just said sounded good. If you are him and he is you, good job. If it is not the case…. here, a tissue to wipe your tears as I hurt your feelings. Sorry. There there, there there, boo boos all better now.
I left him a message on “FOxey007″(which is now deleted) and “sa_sexy”,my strategy was charm, boldness, fierce and what nots, trying to get him to “tic”, but all he responded with was two simple words on my wall post. He’s losing his touch lad, went down about 1000 notches over night. I’m thinking, the problem is this…..he has a inferiority complex fused with too much time in his hands. Now, his complex thrusts him towards the vulnerable people, the kind who will serve themselves in a plate for his enjoyment, he feeds off the negative responses he receives, to make himself feel, to take away the numb he has. An false illusion that sends a message to his mind that “he’s on top of things”. Blah. As you can see, I too find him fascinating, however, initially my purpose (and to a certain degree still is my purpose) towards him was to , mmm, well it is for my psychology paper, a pal I know from the site knew about the topic of my paper and actually paved the way to none other than GOLDEN EYE 007, oh, ooopp I meant, FOXEY007, such a goop, he swears he’s Sean Connery. The other side of my purpose now is simple, to entertain the wicked and confuse the elite. He once asked ” are you doing all of this to laugh at me, to make fun at me at my expence”, how is that for hyprocacy. I mean, that’s what he’s doing to those fools coreesponding with him, I bet you no one either than you and I know of all this. He’s taking them for a ride at their expence, so it’s in my nature to return some of his own medicine, tis only fair. He’s avoiding me because I challenge him, so I’m not feeding him no food.
So then, enough…but, anything with that goop is entertaining. I hope this time he pays his bill so as to keep his rent a family, give him some distraction.
Charity”
In fact McNob also appeared as a female. At one point he was in a trailer park eating pan fried caterpillars. He could even, God forbid, have been Clarity! But I’m assuming he’s a man. And don’t get me wrong. Although I make fun of McNob and regard him as a total wanker, I also admire him. I admired him for his chutzpah and the fact that I found him and his fellow trolls incredibly amusing.
In the next instalment we’ll dissect the first of McNob’s ridiculous profiles…