So we are down to about 10 days until my daughter’s wedding.
Dieting to stay in just the right shape may kill us all. My husband couldn’t help himself, he just had to go get a WAWA hoagie. He had his first good night’s sleep in 2 weeks.
We aren’t starving, we have plenty of good, healthy, clean food to eat. We’re just bored to tears. And now that the bride has moved in with us for the last two weeks, it’s like living with the Warden. We have to be supportive of her healthy lifestyle…..or we’re put on hard labor, which we have to do anyway by going to the gym every day.
But man, I think that wedding might find quite a few people hiding in corners, the ladies room, and the cloak room, not having illicit sex, but illicit cake!
And although most of the womenfolk seem to have gotten their foundations under control, there are still a few debates about last minute things like strapless bras, pantyhose or no pantyhose and when to change from high heels to flip flops.
In the interest of giving Mother-of-the-Bride tips to MOBs and FOBs, :
Tip Number One: If you need to have a low back bra buy one of these. But here’s the trick.
Undo the top 2 or 3 hooks and fold them under. No one can see it and you still have the support you need. And for those guys out there who think this tip is not for you. Au contraire…You need to practice hooking and unhooking, especially if you plan to drink, a lot. You must become deft at this while swaying back and forth, otherwise your femme fatale may suffer shortness of breath, crushed inner organs and rib damage. When she says, “Get it off!” that’s what she means. FYI. Then you both can enjoy your drunken stupor.
Tip Number Two: If you are struggling with whether or not to wear pantyhose, buy these.
I have no idea if these pantyhose are magical, but at $49.00 a pair, when the average pair of really good pantyhose can be under $10.00, well it must be because you will look like this under your dress. And since you, and only you, will know how bangin’ you’re looking, well that confidence boost is totally worth $49 on your daughter’s wedding day.
Tip Number Three: Stilettos. These are my actual shoes. I’m the shortest one in my family now. My daughters have surpassed me long ago. So in order to look like I belong to these tall people in pictures that last forever, I bought these escalators. I love them. They’re sparkly. They make me tall. They seem comfortable for the five minutes I’ve worn them to have my dress hemmed. And I am absolutely positive that after one dance, I’m going to be screaming for mercy. So pack the flip-flops gals. Balancing on a sugar high, an alcohol wave, a tsunami of emotions, and three inch heels, I figure I’ll need to drop it low as soon as possible. In my shoes, I mean, in my shoes. Bring the flip-flops, you really won’t regret it.
Tip Number Four: When you finally realize that the only thing you are there to do is support your beautiful daughter and her wonderful groom on their special day, so you might as well let your hair down (literally, if you need to), just have fun. And know that nobody is actually looking at you anyway, they are having their own private battles with their undergarments and crazy ass shoes.
So for the first time in three years of blogging, I’m taking a week off to enjoy my daughter’s wedding…..see you in two weeks. And please don’t ever forget…………….
“You Just have to Laugh….”
For more of my humor go here
Cathy is the author of Showering with Nana: Confessions of a Serial Caregiver
Oh, the things we put our bodies through! The last time I wore heels that high (also at a wedding, but as a mere guest, not MOB), I awoke in the middle of the night with excruciating cramps in my legs. Kick ’em off early, girlfriend! And enjoy this oh-so-special occasion!
My youngest just got engaged, but the pressure is not as hard on the father of the bribe. She knows I can’t afford to pay for the wedding,and she figures I can’t wear high heels, so mostly I just have to show up and muddle my way through a speech.
Oh Mark, I disagree. Whether you’re paying or not, you will be expected to perform in ways you never imagined. Like Ginger Rogers said to Fred Astaire, “What’s the big deal, I do everything he does only backwards and in high heels!”
First of all I want a WAWA hoagie. Second, I would kill to be in a corner watching this beautiful wedding. And third, I love those fabulous shoes! Have a ball!
I will make sure you get a WAWA hoagie as soon as I see you Mary!!! And thanks, I love the shoes too!
I am still trying to understand those pantyhose, WTH!
Best wishes to your daughter, her groom and your family
and dear Lord enjoy that cake!
Me too, Doreen. Just wtf do they DO for $49???? And just so you know,I already instructed the kitchen that not one damn piece of cake goes to waste…it’s only going to my waist…so box it up for home, baby!
Wouldn’t it be great if you could just attend important events in your yoga pants? Have a great day and bring home some cake to enjoy after you take off those shoes and stockings!
Thanks Lois, and yes…yoga pants wedding sounds lovely right now!!!! I have another daughter, maybe she will feel that way!
I am single, with no offspring, so I will never be a MOB. This is probably a good thing, because I gave up trying to manage my fat a long time ago. When I have to look especially nice, I just pick the most beautiful looking tent that I can find and a nice pair of dress flats. I’m going to look fat no matter what I wear, so I might as well enjoy myself! 😉
Kathy, I’m sure you are beautiful. But truly those tents and flats are calling my name ever so gently and I don’t hate it!
Relief and relaxation are coming soon. After the wedding, you’ll all be fiance free.
We may be fiance free but not finance free, Bill! You got an extra bedroom out there in the Carolinas?
I’m a MOBster this year too. Argh! Spikes, like on shoes, are my nemesis. I have weak ankles so I wobble and end up hurting myself. So I’m fashionable flats. Thank the Goddess the wedding is not until Dec. 26th.
A MOBster???!!!? Love, it Nancy. I’ve been food behaving since August and took time off for good behavior over the holidays. Oh I fear the summer may be moo moo time!
Cathy, Ed and I would sneak to BK and if our daughter happened to call or text during that meal we would not answer. A healthy lifestyle is one thing but when you are writing those enormous checks, you need comfort food sustenance!
Oh Donna, why didn’t I think of that? We can’t seem to go anywhere without her…maybe I’ll tell her you called and I have an emergency meeting with my publisher…at BK!!!!
Cathy, I feel your pain! Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had all week! I have to learn more about those panty hose though.
Oh Carol, I will give you a personal pantyhose review if I cave to the $49 price tag!