December 18, 2016, New York – President-elect Donald Trump, who campaigned heavily on the promise of defeating ISIS, said today that he plans to switch his focus to defeating a bigger threat: Alec Baldwin and SNL.
“I need to focus on the biggest threats to our country,” he said in a press conference at Trump Tower. “ISIS pales in comparison to the threats posed by television shows that make fun of me. Alec Baldwin is a serious threat. First Saturday Night Live launched an attack on me during the election. Fortunately my comrades in Russia stopped them from interfering in our election, which is a serious crime. Then the cast of Hamilton brutally attacked my VP-elect, Mike Pence, at a performance of their highly overrated show. It was bigly rude of them to ask that he and I be a president for all Americans. Can you imagine the nerve? But they only got that idea because of Alec Baldwin and Saturday Night Live, so that’s where the threat starts, and that’s what I will address as president.”
Trump went on to say he has a plan for attacking his new enemy. “We’re going to hit Baldwin and those un-funny losers at SNL on all fronts: Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr—I’m even going to give Baldwin’s book a one-star rating on Goodreads.”
In preparation for this assault, the president-elect intends to create more jobs. “I’m going to hire a whole bunch of new hackers for the CIA,” he said. “I’ll hire every American capable of taking out Baldwin’s Twitter account. If there aren’t enough Americans to fill the job openings, I’m willing to hire from other countries, such as Russia. It will give them a chance to dispel all those completely false rumors that the CIA stared about them interfering in our elections. In fact, I think the CIA could use some fresh blood.”
When asked if FBI director James Comey should also be replaced by a Russian agent, Trump said no. “Director Comey has done a fine job, and I can forgive him for mistakenly thinking the Russians might have interfered in our election. I’m sure he just read some fake news online and got confused. It happens.”
Trump said his assault on Baldwin and SNL will begin with the Twitter conflict already brewing. “Every time Baldwin does a mean, unfair impression of me on SNL, I’m going to do a mean, unfair impression of him being himself. Everyone will think he’s me. How will you feel about that, Mr. Baldwin?”
Alec Baldwin and the cast and crew of SNL declined to comment.