25 Random Things About Jesus, Lion of the Tribe of Judah | HumorOutcasts

25 Random Things About Jesus, Lion of the Tribe of Judah

November 13, 2017

Evidently this meme has been around longer than we thought. The below is a translation from one of the many scrolls discovered in 1973 by two incredibly lost and epicly stoned Grateful Dead fans when their VW van broke down near some hills outside of Jerusalem on their way from Chicago to a Grateful Dead concert in San Francisco. Biblical scholars are calling the collection the Dead Head Scrolls. Carbon dating of all of the scrolls indicates they were written between 31 C.E. to 33 C.E.

The Dead Head Scrolls are believed to be the only surviving record of any writing by Jesus. (Peter signed for the bill at the Last Supper even though the reservation was in Jesus’ name.) Belief in Jesus’ authorship of the scroll is based on several assumptions. One, only Jesus could have foretold the events mentioned in the scroll. Until recently scholars were stumped by a number of the items mentioned below and the inclusion of gifs was technology that would not exist for thousands of years in the future. Two, the estimated date of the “25 Random Things” scrolls is 32 C.E., one year before Jesus went back to heaven.  Third, and most importantly, the scrolls were written in red ink.

1) I prefer James Caviezel over William Defoe.

2) But I like Peter Gabriel’s soundtrack from The Last Temptation of Christ better.

3) I didn’t really want to be a carpenter or The Messiah.  I wanted to play the dumbek [translator: goblet shaped drum] in a ska band. The band would have been called The Only Begotten and the Horns of Salvation.

4) Those South Park guys are pretty funny. But Dad does not think so.

5) Even I don’t fully understand The Book of Revelations.

6) Man, was it hard not to taunt my younger brothers.

7) WWJD? First of all, I wouldn’t wear those bracelets. Or those hideous Skele-Toe shoes.

        Nope. Wouldn’t wear that.

8) Mary Magdalene was smokin’ hot.

9) If the whole Messiah thing did not work out, I was planning on going into business turning water into wine. I would have made a killing!

10) Please stop putting crosses everywhere. I am still a little freaked out at the site of them.

11) I don’t understand why Jewcy.com won’t let me write for them.

12) I would have let Mark sit on my right hand side but he had a horrible bad case of halitosis. I could have mentioned it and cured it, but I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of the others. He was very sensitive that way.

13) For my bar mitzvah all I received was a new hammer, some earthenware bowls and three pieces of silver. I wish the Wise Men had shown up again with some more loot. My cousin John brought me some locusts and honey. What was up with that?

14) Jesus Christ Superstar? Damn straight!

    I rock.

15) The Holy Spirit snores so loudly it scares large jungle beasts and keeps me up at night.

16) The Da Vinci Code – PUH-lease!

17) The pope does wear a funny hat. We didn’t tell him to do that.

 Now he’s just being silly.

18) The service at the Last Supper was awful. Had gratuity not automatically been added to the bill, we definitely would have tipped less than 10%.

19) I could kick Santa Claus’s ass – and I don’t mean his donkey.

Told ya!

20) Jesus and Mary Chain rock!

21) George Carlin, be patient.  The pork chops are on the way. I’ll send them down as soon as they are ready.

Just don’t fill up on the bread of life.

22) Remember that one time, at savior camp, when I cast out the demons from that guy and into the pigs? That was cool.

23) The H stands for Humperdinck.

24) The Tower of Babel was the first flash mob, though I didn’t have anything to do with it.

25) Really, what would I do? Just be a little nicer to each other down there. Is that too much to ask?


Bonus Item – I have kick ass recipe for tabbouleh.  The angels up here can’t get enough of it.  You know how to contact me if you want a copy.


Terry Wellman

Texas-born, Terry now lives in Orange County, CA, where he is on a first name basis with Harry Hamlin's eyebrows, which often babysit his two sons. When not working as a much sought after hand and foot model, Terry is working on his memoirs from his time as landscaper to the stars, "You'll Never Mow and Blow in this Town Again."

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One Response to 25 Random Things About Jesus, Lion of the Tribe of Judah

  1. November 13, 2017 at 7:45 pm

    I always wondered who came up with the pope hat!

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