31 traits men and vaginas share

Last year, I wrote about the traits women and penises have in common. Because this baby boomer is a firm believer in the adage about what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, this year I’ve compiled a list about the qualities that men share with vaginas. Here goes:

  • They both can be perceived as dark and mysterious
  • Some people judge them based on their outward appearance, especially their hair
  • Some people prefer them without any hair at all
  • They both can get sore if you rub them the wrong way
  • They’re not always receptive to being touched or poked
  • They tend to be able to endure more when they’re younger
  • Conversely, they can become less accommodating as they get older
  • People of the opposite sex can be afraid of them
  • Some people have a hard time calling them by their real name
  • They often don’t know their own strength
  • They tend to communicate non-verbally
  • Regular workouts keep them strong and flexible
  • They can shut down if a situation is too intense
  • They rarely like being grabbed
  • They both can be called a pussy
  • They tend to be non-emotional
  • They resent other people—especially members of the opposite sex—making decisions on their behalf
  • While alcohol can help them relax, too much can impair their ability to function
  • They tend to allow only those they trust most to see inside them
  • Sometimes it’s difficult for them to open up
  • Having kids can stretch them pretty thin and even wear them out
  • People are sometimes amazed at what comes out of them
  • They both fart (different physiological processes, but the sound is similar)
  • People can be surprised at how much weight they’re able to lift (think I’m kidding? Check out this Wikipedia entry on vaginal weightlifting)
  • Self-examination can be difficult
  • Sometimes they just want to be left alone
  • Sometimes they open themselves up to the wrong people
  • In some situations, advancing step by step can be more productive than just plunging in
  • They both can be thin-skinned
  • Some of them like men, while others prefer women
  • Sometimes they undergo cosmetic surgery to rejuvenate themselves

And just as women and penises have their differences, so do men and vaginas. To wit:

  • The vagina has way more nicknames than any individual guy
  • Society remains much more accepting of an experienced guy than an experienced vagina
  • The word douche is a noun in relation to a man (something he is), whereas it’s a verb in relation to the vagina (since it’s something a woman does to that part of her anatomy)
  • Vaginas pretty much always have an asshole nearby, while men can choose who they hang out with

And perhaps the ultimate distinction comes from this quote attributed to nonagenarian Betty White: “Why do people say ‘grow some balls?’ Balls are weak and sensitive. If you want to be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

But as I wrote last year, in a world filled with so much trouble and strife—including between the sexes—let’s be mindful of our commonalities instead of our differences. In other words:

Let’s celebrate our
similarities; that’s the
long and short of it.

What do you think? Are there other traits you think men have in common with the vagina? Notable ways in which we’re different? Please share! 

Read more of my humor here.


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